Fragile

I feel so exhausted. The journey to reach USM from home seemed .................. endless, I dare say.

Due to floods, it took me almost a week to get here. Not that I'm complaining. But it was so unexpected. I didn't expect to NOT be at USM during study week. I was supposed to STUDY, like LITERALLY study, but I didn't. 

My bus ride was cancelled due to landslide. TWO nights at USM Kubang Kerian. TWO nights at UMP. ONE night at my cousins' home. Fuhhhh.

It took car, bus and airplane ride to reach USM today. Whoa. Sometime, I can't help but get mad at myself for making stupid decisions, for allowing myself to wait this long, for wasting time, for procrastinating, for wallowing in misery and being emotional over little things.

Along the journey, I realize how fragile and vulnerable I am. When Allah gave me a little test (which was nothing compared to the flood victims) I began to push the panic button. I became stressed, emotional and hot-tempered. God, I was so.... weak (still am). Then the lesson that I learnt during my literature lecture occurred to my mind (related to a poem) where human begins to expose his or her selfish trait during crisis. I realized how self-centered I was. It was all about me, myself and I. I didn't even care about their feelings, as if the world revolved around me, as if I was the only one who was in pain and frustration. When I was in bad mood, I pushed the people around me away from me. Everything they said, even, "Are you okay?" appeared annoying to me because at that moment I was like "I AM NOT OKAY, LOOK AT ME, I AM NOT OKAY, WHY ARE YOU EVEN ASKING?" (I didn't say that to them literally of course). I can't even control my temper. Man, I'm afraid I'm going to hurt people around me without meaning to do so. How do I control my temper?

#14 Something Disgusting You Do.

Here's my dirty little secret and I'm not going to act like I'm innocent whatsoever. I've read so many fictional books. Young adult. Adult. So encounters with sexual content are unavoidable. I know you do, too. 


Only this time, I feel compelled to read a LITERATURE novel............... within sexual content. Somehow, I feel disgusted because whoa, so the lecturer and students are actually reading it, aren't they? This is for educational purpose (for crying out loud). Hence, it feels so... wrong. Maybe I'm being naive. There is a assignment and a question related to this novel left to be answered during final exam. All in all, I have to read it. Ugh. 

No offense. But when the lecturer keep emphasizing the 'sexual adventure', and so forth, I feel kind of ..... disgusted. *sigh and continue to flip the pages of the novel 

#13 A Date You Would Love To Go On.

Go Jamie! 

My all time favourite movie is 'A Walk To Remember'. I think I've mentioned about that movie for quite few times already. I don't know, there's something about the movie that hits me deep down here and no matter how many times I watch it, I still can't get enough of it. I just can't. I can't forget when Landon and Jamie had their first date by dancing under the moonlight (just to name ONE). They also waited until dawn at cemetery to observe the comet using her telescope (her passion towards astronomy) and Landon named a star with Jamie's name (officially registered). Classic. That movie came out on 2002 and coincidentally, right now, I am listening to Avril Lavigne's Let Go album which had been released on 2002. 

For your information, my favourite album from Michelle Branch (The Spirit Room) came out on 2001. Hmm. Back then, during late 90s and early 2000s, I was so used to listening and watching music videos in RTM TV2. Remember Stacie Orrico, Blue, Spice Girls, Avril Lavigne and Hilary Duff? Music was REAL good back then. I always think Michelle Branch brings out the element of that particular time through her music. Her music feels so close and intimate to me. Especially the one called 'Game Of Love' by Santana featuring her (I still remember watching the music video). Late primary school years and early secondary school, I started to listen to music through radio, purchasing CDs, printing songs lyrics and watching music videos in YouTube. Until I picked up guitar when I was 14, proving my love towards music. 

Woahhh. What those had to do with a date I would love to go on?

Inspiring, beautiful YUNAlis Zarai

Music. Yes. I've always wanted to go to Yuna's intimate showcase one day. Actually, she's having her showcase in Malaysia right at this moment, #YunaLullabies. Man, I'm at Penang, she's at Selangor and as a student, with final exam's drawing near, of course I can't make it to her showcase. 

Oh right, a date. I'm sorry for those distractions (the word 'date' just sometime sounds so alien to me). A perfect date for me would be sitting beside 'my date', listening to Yuna's jazzy, classy, lush music, sipping coffee and savoring that moment. Then after the showcase's over, we would go stargazing, while having deeper conversation (okay that's Yuna's song title, fyi)...........um, NO. We would go midnight shopping at Big Bad Wolf because we really really love books (I wish he loves books, whoops no, he HAS to love books). 

That's it. Poof. My imaginary date is gone. 

Procrastination

I'm sitting in a sofa in Hamzah Sendut Library (I know the name is quite captivating, right?), currently writing a lesson plan for micro teaching. My team were supposed to present it yesterday, and only God knows how many times I told them, we're going to present it tomorrow so let's get ready (and I know they're not the kinds who love procrastinating). But they're so busy and kept denying me and telling me that our presentation would be next week. Okay, fine.

But then, it happened that yesterday was our turn. I sighed. We didn't prepare. Not even the slightest bit. In my mind, I couldn't resist thinking and saying (mentally) "I TOLD YOU SO, WHY WOULDN'T YOU LISTEN TO ME?". So we ended up lending our ears to the lecturer's wrath (it's an exaggeration hehh). And I'm so tired of going to that class, sitting right in the front of the lecturer (can't help it, I love sitting at the front, because .................... I sort of have sound trouble and my attention span is pretty short) and bearing the mental torture as she keeps getting mad at me for some reasons in these two weeks.

So, the solution is.................... tomorrow we're going to do the presentation. Great. Let's do this in less than 3 days. I'm a pro at being a procrastinator, so last minute thing is my thing. HAHA. I even admitted (Man, I was so honest) to the lecturer that I love doing tasks in last minute because it's more efficient, and I push myself to limits (haha).

Tons of assignments demand to be completed and submitted this week. After this hectic week, I'll breatheeeeeee~




Whoopss wait. Final exams are coming soon. Slowly but surely.

I Am Sorry

Sometime, it hurts to be judged based on your appearance. How you dress. How 'labuh' is your scarves. How well you're being covered. Because they expect you to be perfect. They expect you to be this stereotype of knowledgeable, quiet, demure, well-mannered, kind of 'Muslimah'. When the expectation disappoints them, they begin criticizing. They even misinterpret the word 'Muslimah'. Ha.

It hurts. A lot.




But then again, it brings me back to my intention of deciding to start covering my aurah properly. Because of Allah. Yes, because of Allah. Then His creations should not interfere. His creations' expectations don't deserve to haunt me. I'm covering my aurah because it brings me closer to Him. Every action makes me ponder and consider His acceptance.

But then again, I am so weak. So vulnerable. So fragile. I make tons and tons of mistakes. I know I tend to do things I know I shouldn't. My conscience messed up. I am so confused. *mata masuk habuk

#12 Things You Want To Say To An Ex.

For the record, I don't have an ex-boyfriend (if that's what this kind of ex is supposed to represent), hence, I'm going to put on a mask, step into a persona's mind and narrate a poem.



I wish I could rip your heart out,
I wish I could make you cry alone in the dark,
I wish I could leave you stranded,
I wish I could push you off the cliff into the cold water,
Because only then you know how cold your heart is.

I wish I didn't fall for your dreamy, innocent eyes,
I wish I didn't surrender to your sugary lies,
I wish I didn't dance along your twisted symphony,
I wish I didn't sing with my heart out to your deceitful melody,
But then again, you don't need to ask everyone to figure out I did.

My mind keeps telling me that I have million reasons to let me depart,
My heart keeps insisting me that this one reason would never break us apart,
You're worth one in a million, I thought, so I listened to my heart.

I wish you would stay,
I wish you would never leave me for some other girl on that day,
I wish you would hold onto me without objection,
I wish you would accept my flaws and imperfections,
But then again, you were merely seeking me to occupy your desire satisfaction.


I wish I could crush you into tears so hard you can barely breathe.





Inspired by Cassadee Pope's I Wish I Could Break Your Heart. 

Tell You What

Today I went to SK Bukit Gelugor as a ................. teacher! It is originally a special project by my TESOLians buddies from different elective class. I can't wait to do the project next semester! So they go to the school every Friday to unleash the students talents (singing, acting and all that) besides brushing up their English skills. There would be a competition between the 9 groups of the standard 6 students next week and only 5 of them will be chosen to perform at USM (it's 'cruel' I know, but they can't afford to take all of the students to USM, unfortunately). 

I decided to help teaching the 8th group dancing to One Direction's What Makes You Beautiful. Besides, I brought my guitar! There's this head boy who sang Bruno Mars's Count On me and I was supposed to play guitar to that song. I really really love teaching dancing moves. I always get hyped up and excited upon thinking about choreographing and teaching the moves. 

Here's the downside. Let's flashback to my school years. I admit, I often (not ALL of the time haha) be at the top of the game when it comes to studying back then. So I don't know how does it feel to be on the bottom (aka the last class) and being neglected by the teachers. Man, you have no idea how much I loathe exams for the cruel discrimination. How the examination discriminates the smart, average and low. How it results in labeling people with low scores as .......... stupid. Ugh. Nobody's stupid. Everybody is different. Everybody has his or her own incredible ability, only left to be discovered.

The thing is, I just found out that certain fellow TESOLians already set their own target. In other words, they focus on particular groups which they consider has higher potentials and qualification to ace the competition. Whereas the lacking, less-skilled groups are being abandoned. We can relate to our school years where teachers tend to give more attention to 'smart' students. How are you going to succeed as educators if you fail to bring out the potentials in your students? How are you going to succeed as educators if you only want everything to go on your own way by taking the ... shortcut? I'm sorry if this might offend you. I understand, not all of the students possess the quality and ability to cooperate. But still, I just can't digest their so-called logic. Especially after my lecturer told me an inspiring story about how she managed to upgrade the potentials of the weak students despite being neglected by the school. 

That's when I became more persistent when they told me the group I was about to lead was one of the .... abandoned group. Because I wanted to challenge myself. And I hated the feeling of being left out. And thank God I had fun. At least I could see them smiling and enjoying what they're doing. Of course the dance moves were quite hard for them to pick up, but they managed to keep up. I'm glad I managed to brighten up the the performance, a little bit. Alhamdulillah.


p/s: Please pray for me so that I'll become an inspiring, dedicated teacher one day. Insya Allah :)

#11 Single Life?

Let's get intimate. After my puppy love phase was over, I didn't date anyone (starting my high school years). I had this stupid, immature crush on someone for a year (throughout my high school years). Worst of all, I had this painful urge to confess about my feeling towards him, but then it turned out he didn't like me back (so pathetic, I know). Alright, I thought maybe I was not pretty enough. I was not smart enough. I was not sweet, soft-spoken, girly kind of girl enough to win his heart. Man, I was so wrong. Clearly, we both don't deserve each other and better stay as friends (until now). However, I am glad I did every senseless, stupid decision in my life because that's how I learn to take precaution step in my future undertakings. 

Day by day, I think I've developed this conscience of not being able to see the good in people like them ('them' refers to men). Their action tend to reflect their weaknesses to me. It annoys me to the point I can't stand being around them. But wait, I'm just a human. Sometime I fell for the person I know I shouldn't. I just kept it to myself and consider it as a distraction - thing that I should get rid off of me. For the record, I don't date. I just won't. It'll go against my principle to actually date someone. I believe, Islam forbids dating and provides marriage as a solution. May Allah, the turner of hearts, keep my faith of obeying what pleases Him. InsyaAllah. 

Oh well, single life is good. For someone who's a lone ranger like me, single life is a bliss. Sometime, I could never imagine there would ever be a person out there (with different gender as mine) is willing to be with me because I am so ........... complicated. And boring. So, for now, I don't want to bother with the thoughts of waiting for my soulmate whatsoever (even though they tend to haunt me unintentionally), because when the time is right, and I am ready, there might (who knows?) be a person from all walks of life who possesses this 'mental synchronization' with me ( a man version of my girl best friend). Haha. This is getting too personal. I should stop. Now. Period. 

#10 Your Views On Drugs and Alcohol

I am supposed to prepare a slideshow for my presentation. Suddenly, I have this urge to update my blog. Oh please, it's been a long time since I get this 'adrenaline' to write. I've read 5 novels in 2 months (which is a lot, considering my schedule) and don't really get a chance to write. Oh right, I am studying TESOL, but trust me, I'm not even learning much about reading and writing English. I have more Malay subjects (and lectures) compared to the English ones (literature and autonomy) for this semester. The subjects are quite new and refreshing to me. 






Drugs. Alcohol. Wait. This is crazy, last night I dreamed about................. alcohol. I remember holding the bottles of alcoholic drinks. Dang. What kind of dream is that? Perhaps it is the side effect of watching too much western movies and videos. My guilty pleasure. Ugh. 

Drugs and alcohol are too mainstream in this century and there's nothing to be proud of it. Worse, it is proven through those headlines and TV news. They are prohibited (at least in my religion) but people do it all the time (duh). I must admit that I don't have friends who do drugs or drinks alcohol (who knows, they might do it secretly, except those who think it's what 'cool kids' do). Normally, I just listened to hearsay and rumours telling that so-and-so got caught red-handed trading drugs. Not to mention, there's this so-and-so is so used to go to club, get drunk and all that. 

The first word that crossed my mind upon reading the article about this teenager abused drugs was - escapism. Drug is a form of escapism because it provides this pure form of ecstasy. They even possess this slang names which advertise quirky, happiness kind of images (I've read about it in Seventeen magazine, vaguely remember the names though, one of them was - Rainbow). I don't believe in doing drugs and getting drunk as a way to escape from the reality (where it hurts) because I am smart enough to opt for other various ways of escapism. Ha. Even Jenn Im (fashion vlogger) stated firmly in her video that the presence of alcoholic drinks in the midst of having fun with her friends was not significant (neither encouraged). In other words, they don't need to get drunk in order to enjoy the night together. She shows a good example, I guess. 

It's really devastating you know, coming across this post in Facebook where few teenagers were reported dead due to drug overdoses in the middle of partying in a music festival. How I wish we all can realize the importance of not taking our lives for granted. The beauty of being alive. The beauty of being the chosen ones to live in this world. The beauty of  being able to beribadah kepadaNya. Nikmat Iman. Remember, Allah entrusted us with this body (our body is not even ours to begin with) and we will be questioned on how we really take care of this amanah. 

#9 Your Last Kiss

Red lips, classic. 

Oh please, bear with my constant update lately. Today is Sunday and I have no plans other than - blogging. Reading Rainbow Rowell's Fangirl somehow inspired me to start writing fictions again. I'll start writing, insyaAllah. 

Back to the topic, um, let's be honest, I don't go for skinship. Meaning, I don't fancy any action that requires me to holding hands, hugging, touching and kissing. I do these skinship occasionally, when I'm meeting my 'long-time-no-see' friends. I don't even prefer sharing spoons, my water bootle with my friends (except when I'm really really desperate). Sue me. I'm just not into it. And I believe it's not just me. *smirk

So, my last kiss would be ..................................... my mom. I kissed her on the cheek before riding the bus to USM a week ago. Goodbye kiss, to be exact. Okay, I'm feeling homesick already at the mention of my mom. So, that's it. 

#8 Something You’re Currently Worrying About.

Blurry.

I'm worried for not being able to say 'I love you' to the people I love (with this I meant my family and friends). And I'm worried for being such an ignorant about my Islam, our ummah and this worldly affair (sure, I should start reading, learning and applying the knowledge). I don't know. I might just.............. you know, die young. No, I'm not depressed. Nor do I have thought about committing suicide, mashaAllah. I just realize, I procrastinate too much. Perhaps, I take people who love me for granted, sometime. I get lost in the moments. There's always tomorrow, I thought. Didn't they say 'Tomorrow never die'? Girl, tomorrow never die, but YOU will.  

#7 Your Opinion on Cheating on People.

The worst kind of cheating I ever did was during my college years where I discussed the answers of the quiz questions with my friends.

When my so-called friends showed signs that they rather be friends with others rather than me (treating as their second best), I would not cheat (in a backstabbing, badmouthing way). I ran. I rather be alone. That's what I always think. Loyalty is important for me. Come on, if I'm willing to accept your weaknesses, listening to your rambling, coaxing you when you're crying because you were badly homesick, why couldn't you.... stick with me too? I just wanted you to be there. Then you started saying you like being with that other friend (rather than me). Okay. I got your point. I valued your point. So I began to walk on my own. Then finally I had found the right friends. Thank you. Everything happened for a reason. 

People who cheat are the kind of people who don't have principles. I hate that kind of people the most. The kind who couldn't practice what they preach. The kind who couldn't decide which grass is greener as they walk on a field, leaving the green grass because they're afraid they might find greener grass ahead their journey (if you know what I mean). 

I've came across that kind of people. The truth is, they're very very pathetic. Insert a little bit of insecurities. Mix in a spoonful of selfishness. Lacking a sense of empathy for sure. But they're just human. Cheating demands consequences of course. They have to bear the guilt and remorse until they're truly forgiven.   

But still, cheating is a choice, not a mistake. 

#6 The Person You Like and Why You Like Them.

I know 'them' refers to more than one person. I'm going to do this: She + He = Them

It's not math. I love my family and friends, and I do NOT need to explain why I love them. Enough said. I'm going to dedicate this entry to my TWO, long-term best friends. I wouldn't mention their names for some reasons. 

You know who you are. Eh. 


SHE
It was a roller coaster ride. We've known each other since we were both 8. We argued, a lot. Come on, we were in primary school for crying out loud. We were young, but I didn't think we fought over silly, little things. Because we both had this 'mental synchronization' (like 'love is an open door' song). We were both very sensitive. Or in other words, 'mudah terasa'. We hurt each other with our careless words. We were both had this ego that even Everest mountain can't handle. Then you must have been wondering, why do I like this girl? Oh well, her Barbie doll was the first Barbie doll that I ever played with. She didn't mind about my frequent visit to her home. We tend to have this unstoppable deep conversation about life. She's a bright student yet very down-to-earth. She reminds me to Allah. She's been through difficult, tough times and somehow she's still strong. Girl, I can feel your pain because we're both actually going through similar things and we could only comfort each other through whatsapp messages and .......................... our weapons, Doa. And I love her because of Allah :*

HE
I've known him since we're 7. And I still have no idea why he wants to be my friend, because back then, I always so reckless and evil and mean towards him (my primary school memories were not very pleasant haha). And he's very nice. Oh right, his worst record was (as far as I could remember) he caused a girl, friend of mine cried. When we were 9 (I guess), we sat next to each other and we always played this ridiculous game that I created (haha) and just because I liked using his pencil, I asked him to give it to me as my birthday present (Oh wow, where's my manners?). Then we started exchanging birthday presents every year even when we went to different secondary schools. One of the reasons why I like him is because he ..... stays (Tay Swift's Stay Stay Stay song always remind me to him). All of those presents and letters and kad Raya and messages proved that he stays even when the distance separated us. He works hard to achieve what he aims. He somehow believes in me and my potential. And he's the nicest guy I ever known.

Update

Oh wow. I should have known that my University's life is going to be this hectic. I'm thankful for the rare presence of quizzes and tests but I'm quite tensed over countless presentations (which are expected to be carried out creatively and out-of-the-box-y). I even have this slot every week where I have to present on my own (because my partner happens to be on another slot, so I'm the only one who goes solo). But I'm not complaining. This is my choice. My path. My destiny. InsyaAllah. 

I'm still up for that challenge. But I'm taking a break. To be continued during my mid sem holiday, if Allah wills it :)

#5 5 things that irritate you about the opposite sex/same sex.

5 things are a bit................ too much. I can explain 5 things about me which are irritating (and annoying), but um, when it comes to about other people, err, how do I say it? It's like addressing 5 negative things about others without realising that perhaps one (or more) of them would've been mine.

Let's call it 5 pet peeves, shall we? 

1. I can't deal with people who always think they're cool just because they're not going mainstream and tend to insult people who don't have the same interest as them. Come on, just because you love classical music, it doesn't mean you have to intentionally diss people who prefer pop music. Ugh. 

2. People who are always (I repeat, ALWAYS) late. In other words, people who can't be punctual. Like, "Meeting start pukul 3, eh? Kalau macam tu, Pukul 3 baru I keluar la, alahh, diorang bukannya on time pun". I can't stand someone who makes me wait, doesn't even bother to rush and apologize at the end of the day (for being late). Does it kill you to be on time? 

3. Badmouthing your friends. Obviously, if you don't mind exposing your friends' negativity, I believe you wouldn't even hesitate to tell other people mine. Oh right, I used to be like that, too, when I was young and immature and stupid. Please, grow up. Because you're 19, not 9.

4. Clingy. I'm just going to runaway from that kind of person. I'm sorry. I don't have that invisible glue just so we could stick together 24/7. Perhaps that's why I'm often be seen walking.................alone. Because I simply prefer that way.

5. Boys. Pffffffffft. They ARE my pet peeves.I don't know. I just find they're annoying. Or maybe I haven't found the right one. Or maybe my history with them still hurts my pride. I feel so awkward around them. And they're not nice. Listening to different perception from them is interesting, but no, lets not get into something too personal. I'm sorry if this sounds lame. 

#4 What You Wear To Bed?

Oh dear. This sounds intimate, but um, it's just something that I wear, isn't it? 

Now that I'm staying in hostel, I choose to put on my RM30 (a really good bargain, I tell you), electric blue, sleeveless dress. Then finish off with a t-shirt, feeling like Park Shin Hye in Heartstrings K-drama (I really love her stylist's fashion sense because her outfits were so modest, feminine and colourful but not clown-ish). 

Basically, like this :P

#3 What Kind Of Person Attracts You?

Bismillahirahmanirrahim. My next week schedule is going to be hectic. I'm trying to write as much as I can. May Allah bless. 

What kind of person attracts you? Ehem. Definitely not physical appearance, I thought. Your good looks won't impress me (oh yes they do, for the first few seconds), but your admirable attitude would leave footprints in my heart, eternally.

INDEPENDENT. Don't be clingy. I need a space. Yes, someone who can walk on her own and doesn't ask me to teman pergi toilet, MOST of the times, would definitely caught my eyes. For the record, my friends are mostly lone rangers because they don't like waiting (just like me!). I don't know, but I think I have a thing for lone rangers. 

KNOWLEDGEABLE. No, not a know-it-all. And no, I don't speak politics, cars or footballs, for crying out loud. Oh well, we can talk about dreams, books, music, arts, fashion, etc (I'm just an ordinary girl who wants to be extraordinary, I see). If we have something in common during our conversation, that would be great. Haven't you heard this statement, "Friendship is born at that moment when one man says to another: "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself....." ?

The most attractive one is, COMFORTABLE BEING YOURSELF. If you want to have a good laugh, go on. I love seeing that glint in your eyes every time you tell me about your passion. Be real. Be original. Be YOU. Honestly, I don't like hypocrites (who does, anyway?). Just be yourself, what's the big deal?

Enough said.

#2 How Have You Changed In The Past 2 Years?

2 years ago, I was 17 and young and stressful (blame SPM) and my skin started becoming not so clear anymore (haha). Back then, I couldn't wait to pass my SPM and leave my high school. I didn't really like high school (maybe I because I was never a fan of our educational system, heck I'm going to be an English teacher soon). I used to speak carelessly, my temper was raging, always forget to smile and say thank you, cannot handle working under pressure, just to name a few. 

Now, I'm 19 and I believe I have developed particular aspects in the past 2 years. 2013 was a year when I started to become more mature, I suppose. To be exact, 2013 was my turning point. 

PLKN taught me to be more patient, how to deal with all kinds of people, be fearless and be thankful for little things. Even though it was a torture (haha) I've learned my lesson and I am aware of the reasons why Allah decided I should enter PLKN. Everything happened for reasons (if not just ONE solid reason).

My 1-year Pre-U USM foundation at Kolej Mara Kulim was the biggest challenge, ever. First day was the hardest, ALWAYS. God, I cried a lot in the shower. Waking up in the morning for countless quizzes was dreadful. Completing tutorials questions, finishing assignments, attending 8 to 5 classes 5 days in a week and last but not least, facing EXAMINATIONS. Even though I was never a 'study hard' type of student, I struggled a lot to do things I don't like. I knew they thought I had it easy because I didn't appear to be studying ALL THE TIME (like them) but still, passing Science subjects in order to pursue TESOL for degree was not pleasant. Clearly, I studied Science not for my future undertakings (degree, phD and career). Here's what I've learned, studying for the sake of actually learning and not just to score exams. I stimulated my ability of working under pressure, enduring and survive! 

The most polite, nice girl I ever met. And she's hilarious!
Not to mention, a huge, unstoppable fan of Anime :D

I met some real good friends (God I really miss them). It's a gift. They taught me the simple act of kindness like saying thank you, sorry and smile. Now I'm trying to emulate those values from them.When I get mad suddenly, I've learned to control my temper by doing things that calm my nerves (pray, read Qur'an and listen to music) instead of venting those anger to people I love. My faith might rise and fall, and being with them somehow, makes me remember of Allah. 






I'm thankful for every moment that leads me to Him, makes my Imaan rises and turns me to be a better person, day by day.  

#1 Weird Things You Do When You’re Alone.

I'm technically a Lone Ranger. So I'm alone ............ most of the times, back then in college. How I miss that solitary joy.

But that's not the point, though. During my 4-months holiday after my Pre-U USM foundation was over, I stayed at home, a lot. I was literally bored to death. But hey, I've read almost 20 books (and counting) at that time! Other than reading, there's something (well you can call it weird) that I always do when I caught myself alone at home. I go into my room, take my guitar and walk out towards the living room.

Here's what I do, sing out loud while strumming my guitar.

Source: Google

And here's a secret, I never do that in front of my family. Even though my father is the one who supports me picking up guitar by purchasing my guitars, I have never ever played the guitar right before his eyes despite the fact that I self-taught guitar since 5 years ago. I've sent my video playing guitar with my friend to my mom (it's just a VIDEO, for crying out loud!), though but that's it.

During my so-called intimate session with my guitar, I would sing any songs that project my voice (and I've read it somewhere that singing eases the stress) especially the ones by Michelle Branch. I know this is cheesy but um, sometime I let the teardrops fall on my guitar (like Tay Swift's song pffffft) whenever I belted out songs that would remind me to something that makes me feel unsettled, sad, happy (?) and all that's left is memories. I told you, music is my time machine. 

It's A Challenge!

Source:Google

I just want to keep writing. Normally I'd just scribble my thoughts, poems into my journal. Yeah, I admit I rarely update this blog for some reasons. But hey, this challenge that I just discover through Coffee House blog by Anis Nad (a good friend of mine) aroused me to jump on the bandwagon and I think YOU should too! 

1. Weird things you do when you’re alone.

2. How have you changed in the past 2 years?

3. What kind of person attracts you.

4. What you wear to bed.

5. 5 things that irritate you about the opposite sex/same sex.

6. The person you like and why you like them.

7. Your opinion on cheating on people.

8. Something you’re currently worrying about.

9. Your last kiss.

10. Your views on drugs and alcohol.

11. Your currently relationship, if single discuss how single life is.

12. Things you want to say to an ex.

13. A date you would love to go on.

14. Something disgusting you do.

15. The best things to happen to you this week.

16. 3 things you are proud of about your personality.

17. Things that make you scared.

18. Disrespecting parents.

19. Something that never fails to make you feel better.

20. The last argument you had.

21. Something you can’t seem to get over.

22. 10 things about you people don’t really expect.

23. Something you always think “what if…” about.

24. Things you want to say to 5 different people.

25. 10 ways to win your heart.

26. Your religious beliefs.

27. Talk about your siblings.

28. The month you were happiest this year why.

29. A picture of yourself.

30. What changed this month and what you hope will happen next month.

Brand New Life

Pokok Pukul Lima.

My first update in USM since I've been here for two weeks already, right? FYI, my hostel (Desasiswa) is one of the three off-campus hostels so yeah, two rides of buses are required before I actually arrive at my classes. If certain events start before 7.30 am (like St. John's first meeting yesterday), I have to......... walk. It was a 25-minute walk, approximately. The orientation week was horrendous, but I survived. The first week of classes and lectures was okay, so far, I am very very punctual (as much as everybody is) and I hope I'm not going to screw up (because I don't like not being punctual and I don't trust people who are not punctual muahaha). The schedule is not very packed like my previous college. But still, it was quite tiring (but I'm not complaining). Tons of presentations are coming up. I'm currently reading books and articles regarding effective roles and strategies  of educators to produce excellent learners. Wow, I'm struggling to catch up and learn new things and now I have to learn how to ............. teach. It's new to me. But I'm anticipating it!

God I thought my not-so-challenging course (like what they say), TESOL enables me to participate in activities I love, but hold it right there, missy, I have to participate in 'Unit Beruniform' (compulsory for every educators-to-be). God I really have no idea. Not even the slightest bit. I always wanted to runaway from that but hey, hello there! Worst of all, I have to bloody spend 5 hours every Saturday (and 2 hours on Monday) for St. John's meeting. I'm not sorry that I'm not a fan of 'unit beruniform' haha. But the seniors looked like they have FUN to be a part of it. And I ACTUALLY kind of have a good, genuine feeling about it. I wish I'll someday come to naturally love being in this family (St. John's family). Let's be positive.

And yeah, I met few friends from different races which is great. The way they act. The way they talk. The way they dress. They exhibit more colours and flavours into my life. 







For those who keep telling me how the 'famous courses' (you name them) are so challenging and tough and hard to score whatsoever compared to my course, please STOP it. Stop mentioning how my life is going to be real smooth and easy because it's ..... NOT. Even though this course is my choice, the subject is my fave, I am struggling because failing in things I love (and my forte) is my least favourite thing. It hurts you know when you said that my course is easier than yours and my life is going to be at ease than yours (just because you're a doctor-to-be and I'm not). 

Drive Away

I still prefer cycling over driving :)

Wow. I can't believe it. This........definitely exceeds my expectation. It's NORMAL for most people but to me, it's quite impossible. Maybe Allah wants to show me that if I give my all, work my best and leave it to Him, anything is possible. Yes, it is. It IS possible. I'm sorry for being so overly dramatic. But hey, I PASSED MY DRIVING TEST. I repeat, it's a DRIVING TEST. If I flashback to my first and second day of taking driving classes last year, passing this test is quite impossible at that time. 

Impossible things do happen. 

Cycling to the driving class was a heavy, gloomy ride. In contrast, after the class was over, I blasted Michelle Branch's YOU SET ME FREE (If you know what I mean) while enjoying the temporary freedom. Even though my teacher was really really considerate and nice, I still cannot perceive that driving is ............. fun. Because it's totally not. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of making mistakes. I shouldn't be afraid of such things, right? 'cause that's how I supposed to learn. But still, you don't mess with other people's lives by driving recklessly or .................... lacking 'common sense-ly' (like me).


My Ayah has done lots of things for me. I'm thankful that my examination results always make him proud (I could see through his smile and good mood). And due to my lacking in some aspects, I'm deeply sorry, Ayah. I'm not a perfect daughter. But you still love me unconditionally. (Oh no, mata masuk habuk). You insisted me to continue taking driving license for my future undertakings. Even though I did not feel like it, I did it because I hate feeling guilty. And you always care. You made an effort searching for the best teacher for me, asking about my classes and spending time to teach me driving sometime. I don't want you to worry about me, so, I hide about my nervousness regarding the test so that you'll feel rest assured. To be honest, I was really nervous, and I couldn't stop thinking about the test the whole day before it happened. God, I didn't know the driving test was so intense and nerve-wracking compared to countless examinations throughout my life.

Alhamdulillah. I aced the test within first attempt. Thank you, Ayah, you show me that  I should learn to listen to others (Including YOU, obviously) rather than just take my thoughts into account. 



Each class was a torture (Because I'm doing things I don't like), but it's worth it. This means a lot to me. For some people, it's nothing. But for me, I've learned a lot. It was not just about driving a car, it was certainly more than that. Life's about a journey (in this case, a drive? I suppose), not the destination. 

Fast In My Car

Certain things just don't fall into place, don't they? I broke down because things didn't go as planned. But then, I tried to convince myself that it's because things go as Allah's planned. Soothing, isn't it? Allah's plan. Allah's plan is ALWAYS better than ours. 

Source: Tumblr

These days, I attended driving class. So far, it has been only ............... 3 hours. I used to think I'm a bad driver (still do, actually). I have lack common sense during driving, too panic upon arriving a junction/traffic light (pfffffft), slow reflex action and ugh, all in all I'm not an excellent driver. I'm just too STIFF. Past experience (a year ago) with my previous teacher kind of affect me. I don't know, I just couldn't like him especially because his words were too ..... brutal and honest. I couldn't take it. I still remember those words (once you spit harsh words to me, it'll stuck in my brain forever, I warn you) up until now, and I take them as a challenge. Oh right, thank you, (former) teacher, even though I cried buckets of tears over your words, I know I deserved that. I just wish I would never stumble upon you again (because that would be awkward) during my driving class. Thank you.   

My best friend said, "my mom says, the cars are like wild horses," . Yeap. It's true. You gotta tame them and take control. I used to think I don't have this chemistry with the car, then I realise that it cannot read my mind. I have to show it what to do instead. I just need more practice, okay? You know the stereotype 'girl can't drive manual' thingy and the troll in FB (If your boyfriend cannot drive manual, then you got yourself a girlfriend, lol)? That kinda gets on my nerves a bit. Damn. It's a challenge. Haha. 

Source: Tumblr

I just discover I am a complicated person, the way I think, how I consider every little thing in my life kind of connected to my life journey (figured this one during my driving session) and how I get too sensitive over little things. My brother seems to think so, too. 

Bro: Why your way of thinking is so complicated?

Me: Because I'm a GIRL.

Bro: Oh right. 

Girls are complicated. The hypothesis is proven. 

p/s: Wish me luck in acquiring P license ><

Dream

I really love arts, but I'm not that creative. I really love playing music (guitar, to be exact), but I'm struggling at hitting the right chords and complicated chords are a huge no. I really love writing, but I'm lacking my commitment. I really love dancing, but getting started to learn new dance routine is tough, for me. I really love English, but my English is not that impressive. I don't really love Science and Math, and somehow, I scored. 

Credit: Doorwaytoheaven

It's a challenge. I think everyone has a struggle in determining the dream. If you already found your dream, I bet you're so lucky. They say, if you can't focus in class because you have something else in your mind, then you've found your dream. What if when I was around fifteen and I was so excited over the dance routine I was going to choreograph and teach my friends for our Talent Show so much that I couldn't focus in my class? Back then, the only thing that made me feel so ticked was - dancing. I thought I'm going to become either a dancer or choreographer. 


But, it was so ridiculous, of course. 

The only thing left that's possible for me was my endless love towards English. I anticipated English classes, I always made sure the English teachers know my name and I would feel like I was going to die if I failed to score A in my English. For someone to critic or judge my English often offended me. It's okay for them to say I'm suck in other subjects, but no, NOT ENGLISH. God, I was so immature, and I still am. 

Hence I opted for TESL (even though my parents wanted me to go for Medic) and I was offered to study TESL foundation at UiTM. I rejected Mara's offer to study Science foundation in Pre-USM programme for the sake of TESL. I'm a dreamer, I'll go for my dream and I don't care about what they say about me.  

Something went wrong. I felt a little twist in my stomach, I couldn't stop crying and I knew that I was at a wrong place. Consequently, I accepted Mara's offer and transferred from UiTM to Kolej Mara Kulim (after receiving convincing 'consultation', of course)

Another year of torture to study Science. Wow. I didn't expect to struggle writing lab reports, algebraic equations, and experiments all over again. However, I've created tons of unforgettable memories, I've made good friends and I'm thankful to be a part of the programme.  But, I made it, Alhamdulillah. It was over, for now. Then I applied TESOL for my degree (as I aimed before entering the college). 

Some people were like, "Are you serious? Applying for TESOL? Then it would be a waste for you to study those science subjects all of these years,". I sighed. Learning is never a waste of time. You can study law and become an inspiring musician (like YUNA, for instance). You can do ANYTHING. As long as you believe in yourself. To be honest, yes, I LOVE SCIENCE, but I hate exams. Learning about Allah's creations (especially in Biology) is NEVER a waste of time (I repeat). Somehow, studying Science makes me feel closer to Allah and I envy those peeps who are really passionate in those subjects to the point they intend to further their study and live with it (pharmacist,dentist,doctor,engineer, you name it!). I respect them. In my case, I'm just lacking in terms of willingness and passion to bear with it (if you know what I mean, Science is tough). I'm the kind of person who wants to do what I love and make a career out of it.



Now I'm wondering, what is my dream? Who am I? Who will I be? What will I do to contribute towards my religion and country in the future? 

The questions remain. But I'm not afraid. I'm excited for what's next. Life can be so unexpected, but you know it's worth it. 

Memories

I don't know what went wrong. 

More than a year ago, I promised to myself I won't volunteer to become a facilitator because the orientation was horrendous (I loathed every second of it) and I certainly had no slightest idea why the seniors volunteered to do so. Seeing them getting pissed off over immature action of us, newbies, rushing to ensure us being punctual and screaming at the top of their lungs whenever we refused to ...... eat supper. 

Ironically, when my close friend called me asking me to accompany her to become a facilitator for our juniors, I SAID YES. I realized I had over 4 months of holiday after my final and now I'm waiting for my interview's result in order to pursue my degree this September. 4 months is way too long. I'm not even working to occupy my free time. So yeah, perhaps meeting my friends (I miss them so much) was not a bad idea. Maybe trying something that I least expected would be great too. 

Us.

Something happened. Unexpected things. It was not actually that bad. It turned out I loved it. Of course, some unpleasant things did occur, life's not a bed of roses, they say but those things only added some 'flavour' and moments left to be remembered. 

I'm not being dramatic whatsoever, but for some reason, I enjoyed reminiscing our moments as college students. Honestly, I don't like school and having to be there for ELEVEN years simply made it worse. I don't miss school, much. But being a college student even just for a year, I miss it like crazy. I still can't get over it. Now I sound like a girl being dumped by her first love (not that I've been in that situation, though). 

Reflection. Yes. I just discovered my ... weakness. Back then, I used to be outspoken. At some points, I realize how quiet I got now that I'm growing up. My mind and my tongue are not in 'good terms' now that I've reached nineteen. I think about so many things, but my words fail to express those. I stutter, stammer, and then I concealed them with smiles. I don't feel like talking, I just wanna be alone, sink my teeth into my favourite books. Oh right, yes, I went to the library, to read novels during free time and I regretted not bringing any books. Wow, I'm a total nerd. 

Oh well, hello there. 

Alright, let's get the flashback started. 

I expected us, girls facilitators would have to stay in dorms. Then, it turned out we had to stay in a ... house. It is quite isolated and really, really far, I must say, and we have to walk on ascending (which would burn our calories, a lot, thank you) road, without looking to our right or left because both views would be .... boys dormitories. Ugh.

Girls.

Worse, on our second night staying there, we ran out of WATER.Yeah. No water. That morning, we woke up at 4.30am, walked together in the dark, relying on our phones for lights, and went to the girls' dorms to take showers. Whoa. 

Good things happened. We moved out to sick bay. Hey, it's quite heaven-like. It's air-conditioned (wait, I don't like it), comfy, nearer (less walking) and somehow brought us closer. I miss our girls talk. Gushing about crushes, fashion update, dreams, future and so much more. 

Girls and boys.

I remember stressed out on our first day conducting the orientation because there were so many unoccupied slots and I was one of activity committee members. I felt so hopeless. We managed to overcome those by other facilitators' helps (Thanksss) and brainstorming ideas for upcoming activities. *relief sigh

Too many dance (and I loved it) routine, but I'm glad we all could make it.

The juniors. And 3 facilitators pretending to be them.

Oh right, the juniors. I expected they were going to be intimidating, typical juniors whatsoever (based on my experience with juniors) but they're actually really well-mannered, outgoing and we could get along really well. We shared lots of stories, experience and laughs. 

Our post-mortems every night were quite ... interesting. We had a good laugh. We frowned over tense situation. A little bit of sharing went on. During our last post-mortem, we played games and when they decided to play Uno, I backed out, resting my sleepy eyes by leaning onto the sofa (it was around 1 am, I guess), listening to Latch by Disclosure and wishing time would freeze because I didn't want to go home tomorrow.  

Them. The one of a kind facilitators.

It's our last day, I decided to walk all by myself to meet my teachers. They wished me good luck. I'm glad they supported my decision to pursue TESOL. Because some people, they just don't get it. I'm thankful for being able to be one of their lucky students :)

Goodbye. Then I went for a ride in the bus alone, with lingering memories of them (my facilitators friends, teachers, juniors and my former college atmosphere).





Thanks, everyone for the memories.