YouTube?

People take me seriously. I take people seriously. And worse, I take myself seriously. I even warned them that I am 'terlalu serius'. Yeah that sucks because when people make jokes, I take them seriously. And I refuse to laugh at stupid jokes (in other words, I wouldn't fake my laughs). God, I need to loosen up a bit. I need to learn how to wear a SMILE when I'm under pressure. Calm down girl. Calm down. Fuh.

Tomorrow, I have to catch a 8.30 AM flight to Penang :(
Time sure flies fast when I'm at home sobsssss

My new YT profile header~

So recently I've read a blog post from Anis. She's a good friend of mine. We used to form a dancing duo (HAHA) when we were both 15. Now she's studying International Relation at Aussie and I just met her last Tues (after 5 years OMG finally). She's an amazing writer so yeah, I wouldn't miss even a single blog post. Oh right, regarding her latest blog post, 'Essena's quitting social media', I admire her boldness at stating her point of view about it (I personally admire her last sentence *wink). I've read an article on the web about Essena before coming across Anis's blog post but I was never one of her Instagram/Youtube followers. I watched her video (where she announced her so-called quitting social media), watched her friends' responses and just now I watched Bribry and Candice 2015 montage. Oh wait, I'm not going to elaborate about Essena's quitting social media because she thinks it is fake. This is not about her. It's about ME. ME. 

FYI, Essena, social media is awesome and I guess thanks to you, it occurs to me that tonight, I feel inspired to record more videos, edit them and upload them into YouTube. I created my YouTube account since 2008 for uploading dancing videos purpose. Mind you, I'm still dancing, but I'm not going to upload dancing videos anymore alright.

I really really love recording videos, capturing moments and editing them by highlighting the good parts (and the ugly parts because I'm REAL). Therefore, I decide to record my moments and upload them monthly into my YT account starting 2016. No harm, right?

And maybe, just maybe, if I can bring myself together, I would upload a video of a book review/haul?

WISH ME LUCK. BECAUSE I REALLY NEED IT.

What am I doing with my life?

Next week would be my final exam for this third semester. I'm currently at home, relishing my moments here (this is supposed to be study week but I'm not contributing anything related to the word 'study'). My 25-year-old sister is going to get hitched on my 21st birthday. ugh. Why on my birthday? (It does sound like I'm getting butthurt for being single while my sister is getting married on my 21st birthday, right? haha). 

I'm studying tesol. I'm studying linguistics. I'm studying literature. I even managed to do some (another) acting this semester. The schedule was packed. Even though I must concede that I skipped few classes and screwed the tests, I actually love the subjects. I love the fact that I'm analyzing poetry about death, the narratorial intervention in short stories and yeah even linguistic thingy. I don't care what they say, I still love the subjects. If you don't like the subjects, just keep your mouth shut.  

and I designed this poster :p

During LeLAC (an English camp organized by USM TESOLians)

 I discovered my new passion for photographing, recording videos and editing. I enjoyed being a part of St John's family where I got the opportunity to design posters. At first, I realized that my design was kind of ... bizarre (I guess?), but then again, I was just trying to experiment, discover and explore various styles. And I loved every moment of it. Now that I own a camera, I decide to optimize the usage by joining any event that required me to capture moments. And it was worth it. 

But um, after becoming a part of LeLAC's multimedia department for 2nd time, I gave up. Being a part of the team was amazing, but I'm done. I'm the kind of person who respects ideas, sharing and contributions from other people. When people compliment our group work product, I would tend to say, "Yes, this is HER idea, awesome right?". I would give credits to people who deserve it. But then I realize, they don't really acknowledge my contribution. Even when it was my idea in the first place, I feel unappreciated when my team member does not even bother to mention it. Yeap, I know it sounds like I'm craving for attention/credits but of course not. Don't you think that every person who works hard deserves at least an appreciation/recognition, right? 

Then I remember that not everyone has the same mindset as I am. We're just simply different.

And I'm still wandering. And wondering. What am I going to do with my life? I want to teach English, (yes, I'm on my way) but at the same time I want to do freelance. I want to inspire. I want to spread the beauty of Islam. I want to discover new things. I want to write stories. I want to travel and write about it in a journal. I want to capture moments. I want to create arts. I want to contribute my presence into world peace. I want to be an editor, designer and writer. I want to publish my own magazine. And the list goes on and on.

What am I doing with my life? I'm living in the moments, wondering and wandering but let's just say I'm not lost because I'm still on my way.

Reflection

Since I was 12, people would always tell me that I am mature. I have no idea how do they define mature actually. I really don't. Just because I put on serious face (aka resting bitch face) and act seriously so they call me mature? Or is it because I'm quiet most of the times and speak only things I want to make me mature? God, I have no idea. They even surprised when I told them my real age. Because they expected me to be older than I really am.

I don't even know if being labelled as mature is a good thing. Is it a good thing? Or a bad thing? Who cares. I secretly take them as compliment anyway.

Now that I'm 20, I feel like I'm restricted from being myself. My truly original self. People expect me to be all nice and kind and sweet. But when they know my anger sometimes overwhelms me, they say my words hurt them (even when I didn't mean to). And when I reveal the crazy side of me, they're ... shocked. But when I act all nice and ethical and mature, they say I make them feel restricted. As if they cannot do bad (or naughty) things in front of me because I'm too ethical. 

Oh wow. 

Now I don't want to give a damn anymore. I'm just going to be me. I get uneasy when you can't throw away your trash properly into the dustbin. I laugh at dirty jokes with my friends out loud. I love uttering good words because they make my friends feel better especially when they confide in me. I would not say anything just so I could avoid awkwardness because I am awkward and raw and real. I would not laugh at stupid jokes because they're not funny at all ugh. 

But if you get a problem with my attitude, please say it to my face. Don't go behind my back, shooting an arrow to my heart, then hide your dirty deeds. So immature. Or coward, I must say.

Yes my attitude always gets me in trouble. I'm not perfect. So are you. I can tolerate your imperfections, so why can't you tolerate mine? I'm sorry for being emotional but I'm tired of this drama. I'm just going to stay true to myself and focus on my journey to be a better person. Life's too short for that stupid drama. 

Loud Silence

When you're broken,
And nobody can fix that.

When you're afraid of rejection,
so you don't want to say anything.

When you're done with being the second choice,
So you walk away and leave.

When you're tired of being insulted,
So you don't feel like saying anything.

When you're sick of listening to their complaints about you,
So you keep your mouth shut.

You act like you're numb with feelings,
Then it all builds up into this pent-up of anger and madness,
Till it bursts and you're broken into pieces,
But they told you that you're just a crybaby,
You're just being emotional and melancholy,
When you know you're not.

So you think it's better to shut people out,
Because they continue to disappoint you,
And you can't help but to disappoint them as well.

So you keep hiding,
Crying behind the door,
Because you have no one to turn to,
Worse,
When you realize,
Home does not feel like home,
Home becomes a mere place not a feeling,
Then you feel unwanted,
You feel like a nobody.
You feel so useless.
Then you're doomed.

Still, nobody can fix that.
But you. 

Cry Baby

I guess I am addicted to sadness. When I am alone, I will be consumed of my dark thoughts, then I begin to dive into my painful memories and end up crying. For the same damn thing. If someone saw me in that 'trance' state where I stare blankly into the wall with my wet cheeks, they must have thought that I'm insane. I guess it's an addiction. It's a detoxification (I can say that, can't I?)

Words can hurt me. Say something rude to me, I'll remember it for years. I'm vulnerable like that. I kinda hate myself too. For allowing myself to get offended easily over words but I can't help it. Especially when it comes to physical criticism. I try really hard to restrain myself from criticise someone's physical because I realize that it is a sensitive issue. And rude too. So when I manage not to say anything about others body figure (for instance), I get mad (like really mad) when other people can't even stop themselves from criticise my skin, my lips (yeah I got dry lips for years, even when I drink lots of water) and my body. Fuhh. I might act like I don't give a damn when they said it to my face, but when the door is closed, I shed tears over those hurtful words. 

Melanie Martinez's music is creepy and disturbing, just the way I like it.

I can relate this to Melanie Martinez's song called Cry Baby. She wrote that song because it portrays her personality. She is extremely sensitive and tend to be triggered easily which consequently ends in tears. (Oh well she's just like me)

You seem to replace

Your brain with your heart

You take things so hard

And then you fall apart

You try to explain

But before you can start

Those cry baby tears

Come out of the dark

Someone's turning the handle

To that faucet in your eyes

They're pouring out

Where everyone can see

You're one of a kind

And no one understands

But those cry baby tears

Keep coming back again

Attachment

I have so many things to do this holiday. But I'm procrastinating. I could lay on my bed, browsing Facebook, YouTube, Instagram and waiting for Years And Years to release their album, Communion (which is today) for hours. What am I doing with my life? 

I have so many books to read. I need to brush up my Adobe Photoshop skill (because I'm going to spend hours next semester editing poster for every St John's meeting). I should start brainstorming story line for a short story for a book project with my TESOLians friends and lecturer. I was surprised when the lecturer said she liked my short stories included in my assignment for her subject. God, that was unexpected. Because those short stories were ... cheesy, I guess (Honestly, I wrote them when I was in form 5 for my English exam paper and school's magazine). These days, I don't set writing fictions as my priority anymore no matter how much Rainbow Rowell's Fangirl inspired me to start writing again. So pathetic, I know. 

There's this book that I've always wanted to read. The Music Made Me Do It. I bought it in the first heartbeat (I just had to buy it! Because it relates music in Islam's perspective). At times, I go through the book, stumble upon interesting pages and then unintentionally come to its conclusion. Music is not being approved in this book context. Of course. Being a huge fan of music for years, I admit that it's hard to get rid of this habit of listening to music frequently. I listen to music in the car. I listen to music on my way to class. I listen to music while doing chores. I listen to music while studying. I AM LISTENING TO MUSIC RIGHT NOW. It becomes a part of me. *sigh

I regard music as my time machine. Whenever I listen to old, outdated but famous songs, I can point out the years the songs came out and my personal moments with them. It's crazy I know but music is my soundtrack. Every moment has its own soundtrack. Sometime, I can be in the state of ecstasy whenever I plug in my earphones (especially when I listen to Years And Years's Desire). 

I can't hear you~

Sometime, It's easier to shut everyone out by simply listening to music. When I press PLAY, it means, I don't want to communicate with human being verbally, I don't want to say Hello in the hallway and everything seems surreal. I embrace music the way music embraces the introverted, social anxiety sides of me. 

Because music is my little secret.

I keep searching for tracks that will quench my thirst in music. Music that understands my sadness. Music that defines true love. Music that would put in my dancing shoes. No matter how many years I've spent searching for that, deep down I realize that I'll never find it. I know but I am in denial. I am too attached to music. I need to break this bad habit. 

The journey might be ... long. But, I'm on my way. 

The Downside

Despite all of those exhilarating, exciting activities for the subject (regarding my recent post). I've discovered few things. 

I realize that my temper always gets me into trouble. My impulsive behaviour tends to hurt others. Due to my serious tone in speaking, they might take my joke .... seriously. 

I can't help it, you know. I can't be all smiling and speaking softly when inside, I'm irritated and annoyed. I just can't. When I get mad, I would pour it all out. Worse, when I'm not even angry at someone, my high tone of speaking causes them to get scared of me because they thought I was mad at them. It's just the way I speak. And my temper is not helping at all.

I'm building the barrier from other people to approach me. I'm cold. I rarely smile simply because ......... I really bad at smiling. My friends said things like, "You're a weirdo. You don't really like smiling, don't you?" "You always seem like you're in a bad mood" "Your smile is too expensive, I guess". Haish. I bury my nose into books (well because I love reading) to avoid awkwardness. I keep my mouth shut when I don't have something important to say. I don't want to speak carelessly anymore. But my quietness was mistaken as ............ passiveness. Hence, they urged me to speak and give opinion during discussion (when I already did, but they didn't even bother to listen) and that was annoying. 

How am I going to show the beauty of Islam with this attitude? How am I going to teach my future students with this impatient, hot-tempered, impulsive behaviour of mine? How on earth would I be a good example to my little sister, friends and future students when I'm acting this way? 

:'(

Tell You What

I am so sorry because this blog is no longer a priority for this semester. Heck, my last entry was on February. That was ancient! 


I got caught up with all of those endless courseworks. Yeah yeah, here we go again, my excuses. Hence, that explains why this blog is not a priority to me recently.



If you follow my instagram profile, you know how 'interesting' my course subject was. The subject is called PET 102: Oral Skill for TESOL students. If you are looking forward to pursue TESOL in USM, brace yourself! 

1st activity: Singing audition in public (public means in front of a restaurant where many passengers walk along) where we were divided into 4 teams.

2nd activity: Get into pairs and do whatever you want in public (acting, dancing, singing or whatever that comes into your mind in .... 15 minutes)

3rd activity: Voice modulation. Put on an animal's suit. Act like one. Sound like one. Speak like ... human, though. Create a storyline. Do it in public, of course.

4th activity: Write a monologue in a piece of paper within 2 minutes. Then be prepared to perform an impromptu monologue using .............. others' monologue. Ugh. Yes, in public.

5th activity: Recite a poem. Please wear appropriate and poem-related outfits. In public, for sure.

6th activity: 80s Musical Drama. 80s outfits, check. 80s dance, check. 80s song, check. We did it in a lecture hall and invite other students to watch our performance. Fuhh. We're glad it was over. 

7th activity: Children's theatre. Go to a primary school. Play English games (Drama puppets, choral speaking and cup song) with the standard 6 students. Very exhausting, I tell you. But it was FUN, indeed :)

And it's not over, yet. We have to write reflections for each activity >.< and compile everything in a hard bound.



Well, this subject is 100% coursework, so, no exam paper for us. Yeay!

Melancholy

melancholy - A feeling of pensive sadness, typically with no obvious cause.

This afternoon, while I was on my way to Tesco with my roommate, my little sister whatsapp-ed me, mentioning my favourite newborn kitten just opened its eyes and she discovered its BLUE eyes. I was so ecstatic. Because that was so beautiful. Adorable KITTEN, with BLUE eyes. But it would take me months to see that kitten again because I just start my new semester. My roommate and I used to stalk this one Instagram profile blessed with beautiful, fluffy kittens and cats. One of the cats (the 'daddy') named Muffin has the most gorgeous, dreamy BLUE eyes and super fluffy white fur. To imagine one of the kittens at my home possesses BLUE eyes was lovely.


But then on the early evening she whatsapp-ed me again, telling me that my favourite, blue-eyed kitten was ........... sick. Its body was really weak, skinny and fragile. It also had uneven breathing. Seeing the photo of its' mother putting her arm around its weak body broke my heart. My sister said that its' mother seemed to feel its pain because she was hugging it. 

That black-and-white kitten is my favourite one.

At 9pm, it was found to be ............... dead. Lying dead in front of the door of my house, said my little sister. Its mother carried it to the door and meowed sadly as if trying to convey the fact that her 'baby' was dead. Then my father burried its dead body and fed her to make her feel better. 


I was not really fond of cats (but I love kittens) but hearing this story from my little sister makes me feel down because I didn't see it coming. I am not supposed to feel sad, but I do. I just simply do.  

The Decision, The Path

Tomorrow will be my third day on semester 2. Semester 1 was a good start. English is always a challenge to me no matter how much I love that beautiful language. Semester 1 was confusing, exhausting and exciting. 

Confusing? Because I was struck with doubt (like, tons of times) whether this course is the right choice in the first place. 

I don't know why but whenever I heard people mention the word 'medic', I tend to wonder of what would happen if I chose that course. I must confess, I felt quite a slight of attachment towards that course deep in my heart. I kind of felt like it was meant for me, as if it was my destiny even though I didn't even have little 'affection' or interest towards it. Consequently, I began to feel torn between what I was supposed to do, what others wanted me to do and what I wanted to do. I thought I was supposed to choose medic because the path and the condition were perfectly laid out in front of me. Almost everyone wanted me to choose that course but I didn't really bother to listen to them (haha). Even when there were few friends supported my decision to go for TESOL and frowned upon listening to my temporary decision towards medic, I felt like they were underestimating me. Yeah, just because they can go for that course, what made they think that I couldn't? God, I was so emotional, over-thinking girl.  

Of course, I wanted to be free to study the subjects that I love - English. Being me, a free spirit, a reckless decision maker and a dreamer who would do anything for her dream - I chose what I wanted to do. 

My effort was never good enough. I would never call myself as a hardworking, stay-up-late-studying kind of student. I would never call myself as a bright student either. I always perceive that God is being nice to me, He showers me with 'rezeki' and every blissful thing that occurs in my life, I give Him the credit for it. I am nothing. I am nothing without Him. 

Now, I am twenty, young, still breathing (Alhamdulillah), a proud TESOLian (I don't give a damn even when you think my course is not fancy as yours) and ready to conquer............my own little world. 

Twenty

Alright, I give up. I can't force myself to write those topics for the sake of accomplishing the challenge anymore. You got me. The topics no longer seem appealing to me. Sorry.

Currently, I'm at home for 5 weeks of holiday. As usual, holiday means, slacking off, eating, watching movies till I puke rainbows, reading (and re-reading) novels and sleeping. Ugh. I wish I would be more productive. So, here's a letter to myself when I reach 20 (which would be this 7th Feb) to MOTIVATE me.







Dear 20-year-old Syahirah Ruslan,

     Let's start with your Imaan. Have you read the Islamic book that you always want to read and study? You've bought the book for the sake of attending Fardhu Ain class but have you read it for your OWN sake? I hope you did. May I ask about your relationship with Allah? Please do not regard your prayers as a instant reflex aka routine. Please, talk to Him, remember, He always listens. He understands. I hope you turn to Him FIRST before your family and friend. I hope you do.

     You're officially a TESOLian, I see. You've even passed your first semester. Do you think your efforts were really adequate............ (God I feel like crying)? I know you've always attended your lectures despite the fact that most fellow coursemates didn't. But did you really study hard enough to ace those tests? Wait. That sounded so wrong. Did you study just so you could pass those tests or for the sake of gaining knowledge because of Allah? Girl, I hope you would never forget to renew your intention. Girl, I hope you realise that you did not throw much efforts in studying for the first semester (sigh) and with that, please work harder for second semester, thank you.

    In order to compensate your love towards foooood (especially chocolate, cakes, desserts, anything that has butter, cheese), I hope you've made an effort to cycle regularly and practise pilates through the YouTube channel that you've subscribed for months. If you can't make a commitment with that one-month plan, what's up with learning the dance routine by Kyle Hanagami? Stop complaining about your dissatisfaction towards your body shape if you don't even bother to work out, okay? Huh.

     Now that you're 20, I hope you are mature enough to speak nicely instead of sarcastically. I mean, you should think before you talk. Do NOT talk about other people. Do NOT gossip about them. Control your temper. Do NOT let your temper overrules you and hurts others. And please, learn to trust other people. I know it's hard, but you can't love them without believing in them.

    Have you learned how to crochet? You've always wanted to do that since your junior frequently shares photos of her adorable, 'self-crochetted' hats in Facebook. Have you made any progress in playing guitar, you know like, mastering the bar chords. You've played guitar for almost 7 years (oh my God, I still can't believe it) but you barely play any songs that require you to apply bar chords. You keep in MOTION, but there's no PROGRESSION. Haish. I hope you've made an effort to write songs like you always wanted to do. Oh right, what about a novel that you've always wanted to write?

    Calm down. I know that being 20 is quite a pressure to you, but I hope that you'll always make progression instead of staying in comfort zone. Every step matters okay. Good luck!

#17 Things that make you scared

Oblivion.





HA. I'm no Augustus Waters (The Fault In Our Stars). Oh well, Hazel said that oblivion is inevitable, hence, there's no point in getting myself scared of oblivion alright.


     The truth is, I'm scared of breaking my own principles. My friends acknowledge me as a person who's quite stubborn, who goes on her own way and who has unbreakable principles (based on what they write about me in my book before we departed). Unbreakable principle. HAHA. You know like, not singing nor dancing in front of huge number of spectators (which I kind of did...... but I promise it won't happen again), not sharing crushes with my friends (HAHA I'll give in to my friends, don't worry), practise what I preach, just to name a few.

     Breaking my own principles would hurt my pride even though nobody is aware of my principles, I'm really sure that God knows (of course). Honestly, I AM trying hard to hold on to one of my principles right now (doesn't necessarily be one of those being mentioned above). Wish me luck.

     I'm scared of screwing up my exams, snakes, clown, ghost movies, disappointing my parents, corpse, being late, driving, losing the people I love and expressing anger unintentionally.

Purple

I was dreaming colours,
It was purple,
As far as I could remember,
And there was you,
I knew it was you all along,

They say, 
Dreams are mere interpretation of inner desire,

But it was so real,
I could still remember every little detail of it,
So vivid,
So hauntingly beautiful,
But then it was you,



I despise the fact that it was you.

#16 3 things you are proud of about your personality.

Disclaimer: I strongly do NOT promote narcissism. 

As I'm reading this '3 things you are proud of about your personality' all over again, then I realize that my personality has nothing to be proud of.

Why? Because I'm too shy on first meeting. I'm too quiet (that's what my teachers always thought). Then when I get too comfortable with someone, I cannot keep my mouth shut. Then I regret for saying too much about things perhaps I shouldn't. And I'm super awkward (while putting on resting b*tch face) around boys. 

Sometime, I think I'm a better version of myself when I'm all .. alone. 

Alright, I should pull myself together and be optimist because nobody likes hanging out with a worrywart. 

Good Listener - or at least that's what I think I am. I have this principle of listening attentively to someone when he or she is talking. Sometime I might cut in, but then I would ALWAYS ask them to continue their stories. That's why I'm proudly admit that I tend to remember simple, little details about my friends. (but I must confess that due to frequent plugging earphones into my ears, I kinda have sound trouble, lately >.< )

Honest -  I'm a terrible liar. I do lie, sometime (who doesn't, huh?) but I'm bad at keeping that lie to myself. If I'm not being honest, my conscience would mess with me, then I have to .... concede. I can't even act all nice around people that I can't really get along with. You can see it on my face. Haha now I'm unsure whether this is something that I should be proud of or not.

I do what I like, I don't care what other people think about me - Well sometime yeah, people perception towards us might be a cruel misconception because they don't really know us just yet. And yeah, sometime it gets on my nerves. Then I just simply let it slide because it does not matter. I don't have the 'luxury' to sit back, wallow in sadness and ponder about their perception towards me. So, I dress to impress myself, stay quiet when I don't feel like talking, boldly express my thought, take a stroll all alone while listening to music and laugh when I feel like it. I'm proud to be myself and do what makes me happy :)

#15 The Best Things To Happen To You This Week.

No, not this week. I still have 5 papers left for my final exam. 2 weeks of torture. The best things to happen to me would be getting myself FREE from final exam.................well NOT this week, for sure. 

The last day of exam is always the best. One of the best days of my life is the last day of exam during my pre-U USM foundation year. It was my last encounter with Science and Mathematics. I must say, I kind of miss studying those subjects. They are so challenging, twisted and ................. stressful. Sometime, I can't help but imagine what if I chose another path. Never mind. This path that I'm taking is the BEST one, I hope.