I'm sitting in a sofa in Hamzah Sendut Library (I know the name is quite captivating, right?), currently writing a lesson plan for micro teaching. My team were supposed to present it yesterday, and only God knows how many times I told them, we're going to present it tomorrow so let's get ready (and I know they're not the kinds who love procrastinating). But they're so busy and kept denying me and telling me that our presentation would be next week. Okay, fine.

But then, it happened that yesterday was our turn. I sighed. We didn't prepare. Not even the slightest bit. In my mind, I couldn't resist thinking and saying (mentally) "I TOLD YOU SO, WHY WOULDN'T YOU LISTEN TO ME?". So we ended up lending our ears to the lecturer's wrath (it's an exaggeration hehh). And I'm so tired of going to that class, sitting right in the front of the lecturer (can't help it, I love sitting at the front, because .................... I sort of have sound trouble and my attention span is pretty short) and bearing the mental torture as she keeps getting mad at me for some reasons in these two weeks.

So, the solution is.................... tomorrow we're going to do the presentation. Great. Let's do this in less than 3 days. I'm a pro at being a procrastinator, so last minute thing is my thing. HAHA. I even admitted (Man, I was so honest) to the lecturer that I love doing tasks in last minute because it's more efficient, and I push myself to limits (haha).

Tons of assignments demand to be completed and submitted this week. After this hectic week, I'll breatheeeeeee~

Whoopss wait. Final exams are coming soon. Slowly but surely.

I Am Sorry

Sometime, it hurts to be judged based on your appearance. How you dress. How 'labuh' is your scarves. How well you're being covered. Because they expect you to be perfect. They expect you to be this stereotype of knowledgeable, quiet, demure, well-mannered, kind of 'Muslimah'. When the expectation disappoints them, they begin criticizing. They even misinterpret the word 'Muslimah'. Ha.

It hurts. A lot.

But then again, it brings me back to my intention of deciding to start covering my aurah properly. Because of Allah. Yes, because of Allah. Then His creations should not interfere. His creations' expectations don't deserve to haunt me. I'm covering my aurah because it brings me closer to Him. Every action makes me ponder and consider His acceptance.

But then again, I am so weak. So vulnerable. So fragile. I make tons and tons of mistakes. I know I tend to do things I know I shouldn't. My conscience messed up. I am so confused. *mata masuk habuk

#12 Things You Want To Say To An Ex.

For the record, I don't have an ex-boyfriend (if that's what this kind of ex is supposed to represent), hence, I'm going to put on a mask, step into a persona's mind and narrate a poem.

I wish I could rip your heart out,
I wish I could make you cry alone in the dark,
I wish I could leave you stranded,
I wish I could push you off the cliff into the cold water,
Because only then you know how cold your heart is.

I wish I didn't fall for your dreamy, innocent eyes,
I wish I didn't surrender to your sugary lies,
I wish I didn't dance along your twisted symphony,
I wish I didn't sing with my heart out to your deceitful melody,
But then again, you don't need to ask everyone to figure out I did.

My mind keeps telling me that I have million reasons to let me depart,
My heart keeps insisting me that this one reason would never break us apart,
You're worth one in a million, I thought, so I listened to my heart.

I wish you would stay,
I wish you would never leave me for some other girl on that day,
I wish you would hold onto me without objection,
I wish you would accept my flaws and imperfections,
But then again, you were merely seeking me to occupy your desire satisfaction.

I wish I could crush you into tears so hard you can barely breathe.

Inspired by Cassadee Pope's I Wish I Could Break Your Heart. 

Tell You What

Today I went to SK Bukit Gelugor as a ................. teacher! It is originally a special project by my TESOLians buddies from different elective class. I can't wait to do the project next semester! So they go to the school every Friday to unleash the students talents (singing, acting and all that) besides brushing up their English skills. There would be a competition between the 9 groups of the standard 6 students next week and only 5 of them will be chosen to perform at USM (it's 'cruel' I know, but they can't afford to take all of the students to USM, unfortunately). 

I decided to help teaching the 8th group dancing to One Direction's What Makes You Beautiful. Besides, I brought my guitar! There's this head boy who sang Bruno Mars's Count On me and I was supposed to play guitar to that song. I really really love teaching dancing moves. I always get hyped up and excited upon thinking about choreographing and teaching the moves. 

Here's the downside. Let's flashback to my school years. I admit, I often (not ALL of the time haha) be at the top of the game when it comes to studying back then. So I don't know how does it feel to be on the bottom (aka the last class) and being neglected by the teachers. Man, you have no idea how much I loathe exams for the cruel discrimination. How the examination discriminates the smart, average and low. How it results in labeling people with low scores as .......... stupid. Ugh. Nobody's stupid. Everybody is different. Everybody has his or her own incredible ability, only left to be discovered.

The thing is, I just found out that certain fellow TESOLians already set their own target. In other words, they focus on particular groups which they consider has higher potentials and qualification to ace the competition. Whereas the lacking, less-skilled groups are being abandoned. We can relate to our school years where teachers tend to give more attention to 'smart' students. How are you going to succeed as educators if you fail to bring out the potentials in your students? How are you going to succeed as educators if you only want everything to go on your own way by taking the ... shortcut? I'm sorry if this might offend you. I understand, not all of the students possess the quality and ability to cooperate. But still, I just can't digest their so-called logic. Especially after my lecturer told me an inspiring story about how she managed to upgrade the potentials of the weak students despite being neglected by the school. 

That's when I became more persistent when they told me the group I was about to lead was one of the .... abandoned group. Because I wanted to challenge myself. And I hated the feeling of being left out. And thank God I had fun. At least I could see them smiling and enjoying what they're doing. Of course the dance moves were quite hard for them to pick up, but they managed to keep up. I'm glad I managed to brighten up the the performance, a little bit. Alhamdulillah.

p/s: Please pray for me so that I'll become an inspiring, dedicated teacher one day. Insya Allah :)

#11 Single Life?

Let's get intimate. After my puppy love phase was over, I didn't date anyone (starting my high school years). I had this stupid, immature crush on someone for a year (throughout my high school years). Worst of all, I had this painful urge to confess about my feeling towards him, but then it turned out he didn't like me back (so pathetic, I know). Alright, I thought maybe I was not pretty enough. I was not smart enough. I was not sweet, soft-spoken, girly kind of girl enough to win his heart. Man, I was so wrong. Clearly, we both don't deserve each other and better stay as friends (until now). However, I am glad I did every senseless, stupid decision in my life because that's how I learn to take precaution step in my future undertakings. 

Day by day, I think I've developed this conscience of not being able to see the good in people like them ('them' refers to men). Their action tend to reflect their weaknesses to me. It annoys me to the point I can't stand being around them. But wait, I'm just a human. Sometime I fell for the person I know I shouldn't. I just kept it to myself and consider it as a distraction - thing that I should get rid off of me. For the record, I don't date. I just won't. It'll go against my principle to actually date someone. I believe, Islam forbids dating and provides marriage as a solution. May Allah, the turner of hearts, keep my faith of obeying what pleases Him. InsyaAllah. 

Oh well, single life is good. For someone who's a lone ranger like me, single life is a bliss. Sometime, I could never imagine there would ever be a person out there (with different gender as mine) is willing to be with me because I am so ........... complicated. And boring. So, for now, I don't want to bother with the thoughts of waiting for my soulmate whatsoever (even though they tend to haunt me unintentionally), because when the time is right, and I am ready, there might (who knows?) be a person from all walks of life who possesses this 'mental synchronization' with me ( a man version of my girl best friend). Haha. This is getting too personal. I should stop. Now. Period. 

#10 Your Views On Drugs and Alcohol

I am supposed to prepare a slideshow for my presentation. Suddenly, I have this urge to update my blog. Oh please, it's been a long time since I get this 'adrenaline' to write. I've read 5 novels in 2 months (which is a lot, considering my schedule) and don't really get a chance to write. Oh right, I am studying TESOL, but trust me, I'm not even learning much about reading and writing English. I have more Malay subjects (and lectures) compared to the English ones (literature and autonomy) for this semester. The subjects are quite new and refreshing to me. 

Drugs. Alcohol. Wait. This is crazy, last night I dreamed about................. alcohol. I remember holding the bottles of alcoholic drinks. Dang. What kind of dream is that? Perhaps it is the side effect of watching too much western movies and videos. My guilty pleasure. Ugh. 

Drugs and alcohol are too mainstream in this century and there's nothing to be proud of it. Worse, it is proven through those headlines and TV news. They are prohibited (at least in my religion) but people do it all the time (duh). I must admit that I don't have friends who do drugs or drinks alcohol (who knows, they might do it secretly, except those who think it's what 'cool kids' do). Normally, I just listened to hearsay and rumours telling that so-and-so got caught red-handed trading drugs. Not to mention, there's this so-and-so is so used to go to club, get drunk and all that. 

The first word that crossed my mind upon reading the article about this teenager abused drugs was - escapism. Drug is a form of escapism because it provides this pure form of ecstasy. They even possess this slang names which advertise quirky, happiness kind of images (I've read about it in Seventeen magazine, vaguely remember the names though, one of them was - Rainbow). I don't believe in doing drugs and getting drunk as a way to escape from the reality (where it hurts) because I am smart enough to opt for other various ways of escapism. Ha. Even Jenn Im (fashion vlogger) stated firmly in her video that the presence of alcoholic drinks in the midst of having fun with her friends was not significant (neither encouraged). In other words, they don't need to get drunk in order to enjoy the night together. She shows a good example, I guess. 

It's really devastating you know, coming across this post in Facebook where few teenagers were reported dead due to drug overdoses in the middle of partying in a music festival. How I wish we all can realize the importance of not taking our lives for granted. The beauty of being alive. The beauty of being the chosen ones to live in this world. The beauty of  being able to beribadah kepadaNya. Nikmat Iman. Remember, Allah entrusted us with this body (our body is not even ours to begin with) and we will be questioned on how we really take care of this amanah. 

#9 Your Last Kiss

Red lips, classic. 

Oh please, bear with my constant update lately. Today is Sunday and I have no plans other than - blogging. Reading Rainbow Rowell's Fangirl somehow inspired me to start writing fictions again. I'll start writing, insyaAllah. 

Back to the topic, um, let's be honest, I don't go for skinship. Meaning, I don't fancy any action that requires me to holding hands, hugging, touching and kissing. I do these skinship occasionally, when I'm meeting my 'long-time-no-see' friends. I don't even prefer sharing spoons, my water bootle with my friends (except when I'm really really desperate). Sue me. I'm just not into it. And I believe it's not just me. *smirk

So, my last kiss would be ..................................... my mom. I kissed her on the cheek before riding the bus to USM a week ago. Goodbye kiss, to be exact. Okay, I'm feeling homesick already at the mention of my mom. So, that's it. 

#8 Something You’re Currently Worrying About.


I'm worried for not being able to say 'I love you' to the people I love (with this I meant my family and friends). And I'm worried for being such an ignorant about my Islam, our ummah and this worldly affair (sure, I should start reading, learning and applying the knowledge). I don't know. I might just.............. you know, die young. No, I'm not depressed. Nor do I have thought about committing suicide, mashaAllah. I just realize, I procrastinate too much. Perhaps, I take people who love me for granted, sometime. I get lost in the moments. There's always tomorrow, I thought. Didn't they say 'Tomorrow never die'? Girl, tomorrow never die, but YOU will.