I really love arts, but I'm not that creative. I really love playing music (guitar, to be exact), but I'm struggling at hitting the right chords and complicated chords are a huge no. I really love writing, but I'm lacking my commitment. I really love dancing, but getting started to learn new dance routine is tough, for me. I really love English, but my English is not that impressive. I don't really love Science and Math, and somehow, I scored. 

Credit: Doorwaytoheaven

It's a challenge. I think everyone has a struggle in determining the dream. If you already found your dream, I bet you're so lucky. They say, if you can't focus in class because you have something else in your mind, then you've found your dream. What if when I was around fifteen and I was so excited over the dance routine I was going to choreograph and teach my friends for our Talent Show so much that I couldn't focus in my class? Back then, the only thing that made me feel so ticked was - dancing. I thought I'm going to become either a dancer or choreographer. 

But, it was so ridiculous, of course. 

The only thing left that's possible for me was my endless love towards English. I anticipated English classes, I always made sure the English teachers know my name and I would feel like I was going to die if I failed to score A in my English. For someone to critic or judge my English often offended me. It's okay for them to say I'm suck in other subjects, but no, NOT ENGLISH. God, I was so immature, and I still am. 

Hence I opted for TESL (even though my parents wanted me to go for Medic) and I was offered to study TESL foundation at UiTM. I rejected Mara's offer to study Science foundation in Pre-USM programme for the sake of TESL. I'm a dreamer, I'll go for my dream and I don't care about what they say about me.  

Something went wrong. I felt a little twist in my stomach, I couldn't stop crying and I knew that I was at a wrong place. Consequently, I accepted Mara's offer and transferred from UiTM to Kolej Mara Kulim (after receiving convincing 'consultation', of course)

Another year of torture to study Science. Wow. I didn't expect to struggle writing lab reports, algebraic equations, and experiments all over again. However, I've created tons of unforgettable memories, I've made good friends and I'm thankful to be a part of the programme.  But, I made it, Alhamdulillah. It was over, for now. Then I applied TESOL for my degree (as I aimed before entering the college). 

Some people were like, "Are you serious? Applying for TESOL? Then it would be a waste for you to study those science subjects all of these years,". I sighed. Learning is never a waste of time. You can study law and become an inspiring musician (like YUNA, for instance). You can do ANYTHING. As long as you believe in yourself. To be honest, yes, I LOVE SCIENCE, but I hate exams. Learning about Allah's creations (especially in Biology) is NEVER a waste of time (I repeat). Somehow, studying Science makes me feel closer to Allah and I envy those peeps who are really passionate in those subjects to the point they intend to further their study and live with it (pharmacist,dentist,doctor,engineer, you name it!). I respect them. In my case, I'm just lacking in terms of willingness and passion to bear with it (if you know what I mean, Science is tough). I'm the kind of person who wants to do what I love and make a career out of it.

Now I'm wondering, what is my dream? Who am I? Who will I be? What will I do to contribute towards my religion and country in the future? 

The questions remain. But I'm not afraid. I'm excited for what's next. Life can be so unexpected, but you know it's worth it. 


I don't know what went wrong. 

More than a year ago, I promised to myself I won't volunteer to become a facilitator because the orientation was horrendous (I loathed every second of it) and I certainly had no slightest idea why the seniors volunteered to do so. Seeing them getting pissed off over immature action of us, newbies, rushing to ensure us being punctual and screaming at the top of their lungs whenever we refused to ...... eat supper. 

Ironically, when my close friend called me asking me to accompany her to become a facilitator for our juniors, I SAID YES. I realized I had over 4 months of holiday after my final and now I'm waiting for my interview's result in order to pursue my degree this September. 4 months is way too long. I'm not even working to occupy my free time. So yeah, perhaps meeting my friends (I miss them so much) was not a bad idea. Maybe trying something that I least expected would be great too. 


Something happened. Unexpected things. It was not actually that bad. It turned out I loved it. Of course, some unpleasant things did occur, life's not a bed of roses, they say but those things only added some 'flavour' and moments left to be remembered. 

I'm not being dramatic whatsoever, but for some reason, I enjoyed reminiscing our moments as college students. Honestly, I don't like school and having to be there for ELEVEN years simply made it worse. I don't miss school, much. But being a college student even just for a year, I miss it like crazy. I still can't get over it. Now I sound like a girl being dumped by her first love (not that I've been in that situation, though). 

Reflection. Yes. I just discovered my ... weakness. Back then, I used to be outspoken. At some points, I realize how quiet I got now that I'm growing up. My mind and my tongue are not in 'good terms' now that I've reached nineteen. I think about so many things, but my words fail to express those. I stutter, stammer, and then I concealed them with smiles. I don't feel like talking, I just wanna be alone, sink my teeth into my favourite books. Oh right, yes, I went to the library, to read novels during free time and I regretted not bringing any books. Wow, I'm a total nerd. 

Oh well, hello there. 

Alright, let's get the flashback started. 

I expected us, girls facilitators would have to stay in dorms. Then, it turned out we had to stay in a ... house. It is quite isolated and really, really far, I must say, and we have to walk on ascending (which would burn our calories, a lot, thank you) road, without looking to our right or left because both views would be .... boys dormitories. Ugh.


Worse, on our second night staying there, we ran out of WATER.Yeah. No water. That morning, we woke up at 4.30am, walked together in the dark, relying on our phones for lights, and went to the girls' dorms to take showers. Whoa. 

Good things happened. We moved out to sick bay. Hey, it's quite heaven-like. It's air-conditioned (wait, I don't like it), comfy, nearer (less walking) and somehow brought us closer. I miss our girls talk. Gushing about crushes, fashion update, dreams, future and so much more. 

Girls and boys.

I remember stressed out on our first day conducting the orientation because there were so many unoccupied slots and I was one of activity committee members. I felt so hopeless. We managed to overcome those by other facilitators' helps (Thanksss) and brainstorming ideas for upcoming activities. *relief sigh

Too many dance (and I loved it) routine, but I'm glad we all could make it.

The juniors. And 3 facilitators pretending to be them.

Oh right, the juniors. I expected they were going to be intimidating, typical juniors whatsoever (based on my experience with juniors) but they're actually really well-mannered, outgoing and we could get along really well. We shared lots of stories, experience and laughs. 

Our post-mortems every night were quite ... interesting. We had a good laugh. We frowned over tense situation. A little bit of sharing went on. During our last post-mortem, we played games and when they decided to play Uno, I backed out, resting my sleepy eyes by leaning onto the sofa (it was around 1 am, I guess), listening to Latch by Disclosure and wishing time would freeze because I didn't want to go home tomorrow.  

Them. The one of a kind facilitators.

It's our last day, I decided to walk all by myself to meet my teachers. They wished me good luck. I'm glad they supported my decision to pursue TESOL. Because some people, they just don't get it. I'm thankful for being able to be one of their lucky students :)

Goodbye. Then I went for a ride in the bus alone, with lingering memories of them (my facilitators friends, teachers, juniors and my former college atmosphere).

Thanks, everyone for the memories. 


credit: Tumblr

I love the sound and smell of rain. It's like a chaos version of lullaby. Technically because I prefer sleeping when it rains rather than spooky quietness which will lead to creepy imagination of mine to arise. 

Just now, it was raining heavily, with a hint of storm which unable us to stay engrossed in 'scratching' our smartphones screens. Honestly, this virtual insanity (a song title that I just discovered from Mariel's dancing video and yeah, she's an inspiring choreographer) definitely irritates me. That's why I sometime read books rather than reading Wattpad (an e-book app). 

credit: Wordpress

Normally, on the couch, my mother would be checking out her FB thru her xperia, my father would smile upon reading his whatsapp messages, my little bro would listen to music while twittering and I have no choice but to grab my phone and browse through Instagram. The visual is exactly like how the Memes in Facebook portraying our lives these days where technology conquers. 

So when we all put down our smartphones, I noticed that we managed to somehow - TALK. Little conversation between me and my little siblings. And my mother could get her beauty sleep. Enjoy a good laugh. We used to roll our eyes at each for NO reason at all. But somehow I opened up about my failure when I was in my secondary school considering the fact that my lil bro is currently studying at the same secondary school I was in. Hmm. Good time.

It's just that, I noticed, the older I get, the less words I speak. But once I get really infuriated, the tone of my voice rising, I could make my big bro to keep his mouth shut, abruptly. Damn. Another part of me that I should know how to control is my - ANGER. 

p/s: Happy completing the SEVENTH day of Ramadan (7 is my favourite number!) :)