I really love arts, but I'm not that creative. I really love playing music (guitar, to be exact), but I'm struggling at hitting the right chords and complicated chords are a huge no. I really love writing, but I'm lacking my commitment. I really love dancing, but getting started to learn new dance routine is tough, for me. I really love English, but my English is not that impressive. I don't really love Science and Math, and somehow, I scored. 

Credit: Doorwaytoheaven

It's a challenge. I think everyone has a struggle in determining the dream. If you already found your dream, I bet you're so lucky. They say, if you can't focus in class because you have something else in your mind, then you've found your dream. What if when I was around fifteen and I was so excited over the dance routine I was going to choreograph and teach my friends for our Talent Show so much that I couldn't focus in my class? Back then, the only thing that made me feel so ticked was - dancing. I thought I'm going to become either a dancer or choreographer. 

But, it was so ridiculous, of course. 

The only thing left that's possible for me was my endless love towards English. I anticipated English classes, I always made sure the English teachers know my name and I would feel like I was going to die if I failed to score A in my English. For someone to critic or judge my English often offended me. It's okay for them to say I'm suck in other subjects, but no, NOT ENGLISH. God, I was so immature, and I still am. 

Hence I opted for TESL (even though my parents wanted me to go for Medic) and I was offered to study TESL foundation at UiTM. I rejected Mara's offer to study Science foundation in Pre-USM programme for the sake of TESL. I'm a dreamer, I'll go for my dream and I don't care about what they say about me.  

Something went wrong. I felt a little twist in my stomach, I couldn't stop crying and I knew that I was at a wrong place. Consequently, I accepted Mara's offer and transferred from UiTM to Kolej Mara Kulim (after receiving convincing 'consultation', of course)

Another year of torture to study Science. Wow. I didn't expect to struggle writing lab reports, algebraic equations, and experiments all over again. However, I've created tons of unforgettable memories, I've made good friends and I'm thankful to be a part of the programme.  But, I made it, Alhamdulillah. It was over, for now. Then I applied TESOL for my degree (as I aimed before entering the college). 

Some people were like, "Are you serious? Applying for TESOL? Then it would be a waste for you to study those science subjects all of these years,". I sighed. Learning is never a waste of time. You can study law and become an inspiring musician (like YUNA, for instance). You can do ANYTHING. As long as you believe in yourself. To be honest, yes, I LOVE SCIENCE, but I hate exams. Learning about Allah's creations (especially in Biology) is NEVER a waste of time (I repeat). Somehow, studying Science makes me feel closer to Allah and I envy those peeps who are really passionate in those subjects to the point they intend to further their study and live with it (pharmacist,dentist,doctor,engineer, you name it!). I respect them. In my case, I'm just lacking in terms of willingness and passion to bear with it (if you know what I mean, Science is tough). I'm the kind of person who wants to do what I love and make a career out of it.

Now I'm wondering, what is my dream? Who am I? Who will I be? What will I do to contribute towards my religion and country in the future? 

The questions remain. But I'm not afraid. I'm excited for what's next. Life can be so unexpected, but you know it's worth it. 


author nad said...

It's nice to know that you value learning and doesn't feel that it's a waste. Good girl!

Syahirah Ruslan said...