Since I was 12, people would always tell me that I am mature. I have no idea how do they define mature actually. I really don't. Just because I put on serious face (aka resting bitch face) and act seriously so they call me mature? Or is it because I'm quiet most of the times and speak only things I want to make me mature? God, I have no idea. They even surprised when I told them my real age. Because they expected me to be older than I really am.

I don't even know if being labelled as mature is a good thing. Is it a good thing? Or a bad thing? Who cares. I secretly take them as compliment anyway.

Now that I'm 20, I feel like I'm restricted from being myself. My truly original self. People expect me to be all nice and kind and sweet. But when they know my anger sometimes overwhelms me, they say my words hurt them (even when I didn't mean to). And when I reveal the crazy side of me, they're ... shocked. But when I act all nice and ethical and mature, they say I make them feel restricted. As if they cannot do bad (or naughty) things in front of me because I'm too ethical. 

Oh wow. 

Now I don't want to give a damn anymore. I'm just going to be me. I get uneasy when you can't throw away your trash properly into the dustbin. I laugh at dirty jokes with my friends out loud. I love uttering good words because they make my friends feel better especially when they confide in me. I would not say anything just so I could avoid awkwardness because I am awkward and raw and real. I would not laugh at stupid jokes because they're not funny at all ugh. 

But if you get a problem with my attitude, please say it to my face. Don't go behind my back, shooting an arrow to my heart, then hide your dirty deeds. So immature. Or coward, I must say.

Yes my attitude always gets me in trouble. I'm not perfect. So are you. I can tolerate your imperfections, so why can't you tolerate mine? I'm sorry for being emotional but I'm tired of this drama. I'm just going to stay true to myself and focus on my journey to be a better person. Life's too short for that stupid drama. 

Loud Silence

When you're broken,
And nobody can fix that.

When you're afraid of rejection,
so you don't want to say anything.

When you're done with being the second choice,
So you walk away and leave.

When you're tired of being insulted,
So you don't feel like saying anything.

When you're sick of listening to their complaints about you,
So you keep your mouth shut.

You act like you're numb with feelings,
Then it all builds up into this pent-up of anger and madness,
Till it bursts and you're broken into pieces,
But they told you that you're just a crybaby,
You're just being emotional and melancholy,
When you know you're not.

So you think it's better to shut people out,
Because they continue to disappoint you,
And you can't help but to disappoint them as well.

So you keep hiding,
Crying behind the door,
Because you have no one to turn to,
When you realize,
Home does not feel like home,
Home becomes a mere place not a feeling,
Then you feel unwanted,
You feel like a nobody.
You feel so useless.
Then you're doomed.

Still, nobody can fix that.
But you.