Cry Baby

I guess I am addicted to sadness. When I am alone, I will be consumed of my dark thoughts, then I begin to dive into my painful memories and end up crying. For the same damn thing. If someone saw me in that 'trance' state where I stare blankly into the wall with my wet cheeks, they must have thought that I'm insane. I guess it's an addiction. It's a detoxification (I can say that, can't I?)

Words can hurt me. Say something rude to me, I'll remember it for years. I'm vulnerable like that. I kinda hate myself too. For allowing myself to get offended easily over words but I can't help it. Especially when it comes to physical criticism. I try really hard to restrain myself from criticise someone's physical because I realize that it is a sensitive issue. And rude too. So when I manage not to say anything about others body figure (for instance), I get mad (like really mad) when other people can't even stop themselves from criticise my skin, my lips (yeah I got dry lips for years, even when I drink lots of water) and my body. Fuhh. I might act like I don't give a damn when they said it to my face, but when the door is closed, I shed tears over those hurtful words. 

Melanie Martinez's music is creepy and disturbing, just the way I like it.

I can relate this to Melanie Martinez's song called Cry Baby. She wrote that song because it portrays her personality. She is extremely sensitive and tend to be triggered easily which consequently ends in tears. (Oh well she's just like me)

You seem to replace

Your brain with your heart

You take things so hard

And then you fall apart

You try to explain

But before you can start

Those cry baby tears

Come out of the dark

Someone's turning the handle

To that faucet in your eyes

They're pouring out

Where everyone can see

You're one of a kind

And no one understands

But those cry baby tears

Keep coming back again

Attachment

I have so many things to do this holiday. But I'm procrastinating. I could lay on my bed, browsing Facebook, YouTube, Instagram and waiting for Years And Years to release their album, Communion (which is today) for hours. What am I doing with my life? 

I have so many books to read. I need to brush up my Adobe Photoshop skill (because I'm going to spend hours next semester editing poster for every St John's meeting). I should start brainstorming story line for a short story for a book project with my TESOLians friends and lecturer. I was surprised when the lecturer said she liked my short stories included in my assignment for her subject. God, that was unexpected. Because those short stories were ... cheesy, I guess (Honestly, I wrote them when I was in form 5 for my English exam paper and school's magazine). These days, I don't set writing fictions as my priority anymore no matter how much Rainbow Rowell's Fangirl inspired me to start writing again. So pathetic, I know. 

There's this book that I've always wanted to read. The Music Made Me Do It. I bought it in the first heartbeat (I just had to buy it! Because it relates music in Islam's perspective). At times, I go through the book, stumble upon interesting pages and then unintentionally come to its conclusion. Music is not being approved in this book context. Of course. Being a huge fan of music for years, I admit that it's hard to get rid of this habit of listening to music frequently. I listen to music in the car. I listen to music on my way to class. I listen to music while doing chores. I listen to music while studying. I AM LISTENING TO MUSIC RIGHT NOW. It becomes a part of me. *sigh

I regard music as my time machine. Whenever I listen to old, outdated but famous songs, I can point out the years the songs came out and my personal moments with them. It's crazy I know but music is my soundtrack. Every moment has its own soundtrack. Sometime, I can be in the state of ecstasy whenever I plug in my earphones (especially when I listen to Years And Years's Desire). 

I can't hear you~

Sometime, It's easier to shut everyone out by simply listening to music. When I press PLAY, it means, I don't want to communicate with human being verbally, I don't want to say Hello in the hallway and everything seems surreal. I embrace music the way music embraces the introverted, social anxiety sides of me. 

Because music is my little secret.

I keep searching for tracks that will quench my thirst in music. Music that understands my sadness. Music that defines true love. Music that would put in my dancing shoes. No matter how many years I've spent searching for that, deep down I realize that I'll never find it. I know but I am in denial. I am too attached to music. I need to break this bad habit. 

The journey might be ... long. But, I'm on my way. 

The Downside

Despite all of those exhilarating, exciting activities for the subject (regarding my recent post). I've discovered few things. 

I realize that my temper always gets me into trouble. My impulsive behaviour tends to hurt others. Due to my serious tone in speaking, they might take my joke .... seriously. 

I can't help it, you know. I can't be all smiling and speaking softly when inside, I'm irritated and annoyed. I just can't. When I get mad, I would pour it all out. Worse, when I'm not even angry at someone, my high tone of speaking causes them to get scared of me because they thought I was mad at them. It's just the way I speak. And my temper is not helping at all.

I'm building the barrier from other people to approach me. I'm cold. I rarely smile simply because ......... I really bad at smiling. My friends said things like, "You're a weirdo. You don't really like smiling, don't you?" "You always seem like you're in a bad mood" "Your smile is too expensive, I guess". Haish. I bury my nose into books (well because I love reading) to avoid awkwardness. I keep my mouth shut when I don't have something important to say. I don't want to speak carelessly anymore. But my quietness was mistaken as ............ passiveness. Hence, they urged me to speak and give opinion during discussion (when I already did, but they didn't even bother to listen) and that was annoying. 

How am I going to show the beauty of Islam with this attitude? How am I going to teach my future students with this impatient, hot-tempered, impulsive behaviour of mine? How on earth would I be a good example to my little sister, friends and future students when I'm acting this way? 

:'(

Tell You What

I am so sorry because this blog is no longer a priority for this semester. Heck, my last entry was on February. That was ancient! 


I got caught up with all of those endless courseworks. Yeah yeah, here we go again, my excuses. Hence, that explains why this blog is not a priority to me recently.



If you follow my instagram profile, you know how 'interesting' my course subject was. The subject is called PET 102: Oral Skill for TESOL students. If you are looking forward to pursue TESOL in USM, brace yourself! 

1st activity: Singing audition in public (public means in front of a restaurant where many passengers walk along) where we were divided into 4 teams.

2nd activity: Get into pairs and do whatever you want in public (acting, dancing, singing or whatever that comes into your mind in .... 15 minutes)

3rd activity: Voice modulation. Put on an animal's suit. Act like one. Sound like one. Speak like ... human, though. Create a storyline. Do it in public, of course.

4th activity: Write a monologue in a piece of paper within 2 minutes. Then be prepared to perform an impromptu monologue using .............. others' monologue. Ugh. Yes, in public.

5th activity: Recite a poem. Please wear appropriate and poem-related outfits. In public, for sure.

6th activity: 80s Musical Drama. 80s outfits, check. 80s dance, check. 80s song, check. We did it in a lecture hall and invite other students to watch our performance. Fuhh. We're glad it was over. 

7th activity: Children's theatre. Go to a primary school. Play English games (Drama puppets, choral speaking and cup song) with the standard 6 students. Very exhausting, I tell you. But it was FUN, indeed :)

And it's not over, yet. We have to write reflections for each activity >.< and compile everything in a hard bound.



Well, this subject is 100% coursework, so, no exam paper for us. Yeay!

Melancholy

melancholy - A feeling of pensive sadness, typically with no obvious cause.

This afternoon, while I was on my way to Tesco with my roommate, my little sister whatsapp-ed me, mentioning my favourite newborn kitten just opened its eyes and she discovered its BLUE eyes. I was so ecstatic. Because that was so beautiful. Adorable KITTEN, with BLUE eyes. But it would take me months to see that kitten again because I just start my new semester. My roommate and I used to stalk this one Instagram profile blessed with beautiful, fluffy kittens and cats. One of the cats (the 'daddy') named Muffin has the most gorgeous, dreamy BLUE eyes and super fluffy white fur. To imagine one of the kittens at my home possesses BLUE eyes was lovely.


But then on the early evening she whatsapp-ed me again, telling me that my favourite, blue-eyed kitten was ........... sick. Its body was really weak, skinny and fragile. It also had uneven breathing. Seeing the photo of its' mother putting her arm around its weak body broke my heart. My sister said that its' mother seemed to feel its pain because she was hugging it. 

That black-and-white kitten is my favourite one.

At 9pm, it was found to be ............... dead. Lying dead in front of the door of my house, said my little sister. Its mother carried it to the door and meowed sadly as if trying to convey the fact that her 'baby' was dead. Then my father burried its dead body and fed her to make her feel better. 


I was not really fond of cats (but I love kittens) but hearing this story from my little sister makes me feel down because I didn't see it coming. I am not supposed to feel sad, but I do. I just simply do.