Melancholy

melancholy - A feeling of pensive sadness, typically with no obvious cause.

This afternoon, while I was on my way to Tesco with my roommate, my little sister whatsapp-ed me, mentioning my favourite newborn kitten just opened its eyes and she discovered its BLUE eyes. I was so ecstatic. Because that was so beautiful. Adorable KITTEN, with BLUE eyes. But it would take me months to see that kitten again because I just start my new semester. My roommate and I used to stalk this one Instagram profile blessed with beautiful, fluffy kittens and cats. One of the cats (the 'daddy') named Muffin has the most gorgeous, dreamy BLUE eyes and super fluffy white fur. To imagine one of the kittens at my home possesses BLUE eyes was lovely.


But then on the early evening she whatsapp-ed me again, telling me that my favourite, blue-eyed kitten was ........... sick. Its body was really weak, skinny and fragile. It also had uneven breathing. Seeing the photo of its' mother putting her arm around its weak body broke my heart. My sister said that its' mother seemed to feel its pain because she was hugging it. 

That black-and-white kitten is my favourite one.

At 9pm, it was found to be ............... dead. Lying dead in front of the door of my house, said my little sister. Its mother carried it to the door and meowed sadly as if trying to convey the fact that her 'baby' was dead. Then my father burried its dead body and fed her to make her feel better. 


I was not really fond of cats (but I love kittens) but hearing this story from my little sister makes me feel down because I didn't see it coming. I am not supposed to feel sad, but I do. I just simply do.  

The Decision, The Path

Tomorrow will be my third day on semester 2. Semester 1 was a good start. English is always a challenge to me no matter how much I love that beautiful language. Semester 1 was confusing, exhausting and exciting. 

Confusing? Because I was struck with doubt (like, tons of times) whether this course is the right choice in the first place. 

I don't know why but whenever I heard people mention the word 'medic', I tend to wonder of what would happen if I chose that course. I must confess, I felt quite a slight of attachment towards that course deep in my heart. I kind of felt like it was meant for me, as if it was my destiny even though I didn't even have little 'affection' or interest towards it. Consequently, I began to feel torn between what I was supposed to do, what others wanted me to do and what I wanted to do. I thought I was supposed to choose medic because the path and the condition were perfectly laid out in front of me. Almost everyone wanted me to choose that course but I didn't really bother to listen to them (haha). Even when there were few friends supported my decision to go for TESOL and frowned upon listening to my temporary decision towards medic, I felt like they were underestimating me. Yeah, just because they can go for that course, what made they think that I couldn't? God, I was so emotional, over-thinking girl.  

Of course, I wanted to be free to study the subjects that I love - English. Being me, a free spirit, a reckless decision maker and a dreamer who would do anything for her dream - I chose what I wanted to do. 

My effort was never good enough. I would never call myself as a hardworking, stay-up-late-studying kind of student. I would never call myself as a bright student either. I always perceive that God is being nice to me, He showers me with 'rezeki' and every blissful thing that occurs in my life, I give Him the credit for it. I am nothing. I am nothing without Him. 

Now, I am twenty, young, still breathing (Alhamdulillah), a proud TESOLian (I don't give a damn even when you think my course is not fancy as yours) and ready to conquer............my own little world. 

Twenty

Alright, I give up. I can't force myself to write those topics for the sake of accomplishing the challenge anymore. You got me. The topics no longer seem appealing to me. Sorry.

Currently, I'm at home for 5 weeks of holiday. As usual, holiday means, slacking off, eating, watching movies till I puke rainbows, reading (and re-reading) novels and sleeping. Ugh. I wish I would be more productive. So, here's a letter to myself when I reach 20 (which would be this 7th Feb) to MOTIVATE me.







Dear 20-year-old Syahirah Ruslan,

     Let's start with your Imaan. Have you read the Islamic book that you always want to read and study? You've bought the book for the sake of attending Fardhu Ain class but have you read it for your OWN sake? I hope you did. May I ask about your relationship with Allah? Please do not regard your prayers as a instant reflex aka routine. Please, talk to Him, remember, He always listens. He understands. I hope you turn to Him FIRST before your family and friend. I hope you do.

     You're officially a TESOLian, I see. You've even passed your first semester. Do you think your efforts were really adequate............ (God I feel like crying)? I know you've always attended your lectures despite the fact that most fellow coursemates didn't. But did you really study hard enough to ace those tests? Wait. That sounded so wrong. Did you study just so you could pass those tests or for the sake of gaining knowledge because of Allah? Girl, I hope you would never forget to renew your intention. Girl, I hope you realise that you did not throw much efforts in studying for the first semester (sigh) and with that, please work harder for second semester, thank you.

    In order to compensate your love towards foooood (especially chocolate, cakes, desserts, anything that has butter, cheese), I hope you've made an effort to cycle regularly and practise pilates through the YouTube channel that you've subscribed for months. If you can't make a commitment with that one-month plan, what's up with learning the dance routine by Kyle Hanagami? Stop complaining about your dissatisfaction towards your body shape if you don't even bother to work out, okay? Huh.

     Now that you're 20, I hope you are mature enough to speak nicely instead of sarcastically. I mean, you should think before you talk. Do NOT talk about other people. Do NOT gossip about them. Control your temper. Do NOT let your temper overrules you and hurts others. And please, learn to trust other people. I know it's hard, but you can't love them without believing in them.

    Have you learned how to crochet? You've always wanted to do that since your junior frequently shares photos of her adorable, 'self-crochetted' hats in Facebook. Have you made any progress in playing guitar, you know like, mastering the bar chords. You've played guitar for almost 7 years (oh my God, I still can't believe it) but you barely play any songs that require you to apply bar chords. You keep in MOTION, but there's no PROGRESSION. Haish. I hope you've made an effort to write songs like you always wanted to do. Oh right, what about a novel that you've always wanted to write?

    Calm down. I know that being 20 is quite a pressure to you, but I hope that you'll always make progression instead of staying in comfort zone. Every step matters okay. Good luck!

#17 Things that make you scared

Oblivion.





HA. I'm no Augustus Waters (The Fault In Our Stars). Oh well, Hazel said that oblivion is inevitable, hence, there's no point in getting myself scared of oblivion alright.


     The truth is, I'm scared of breaking my own principles. My friends acknowledge me as a person who's quite stubborn, who goes on her own way and who has unbreakable principles (based on what they write about me in my book before we departed). Unbreakable principle. HAHA. You know like, not singing nor dancing in front of huge number of spectators (which I kind of did...... but I promise it won't happen again), not sharing crushes with my friends (HAHA I'll give in to my friends, don't worry), practise what I preach, just to name a few.

     Breaking my own principles would hurt my pride even though nobody is aware of my principles, I'm really sure that God knows (of course). Honestly, I AM trying hard to hold on to one of my principles right now (doesn't necessarily be one of those being mentioned above). Wish me luck.

     I'm scared of screwing up my exams, snakes, clown, ghost movies, disappointing my parents, corpse, being late, driving, losing the people I love and expressing anger unintentionally.

Purple

I was dreaming colours,
It was purple,
As far as I could remember,
And there was you,
I knew it was you all along,

They say, 
Dreams are mere interpretation of inner desire,

But it was so real,
I could still remember every little detail of it,
So vivid,
So hauntingly beautiful,
But then it was you,



I despise the fact that it was you.