Twenty

Alright, I give up. I can't force myself to write those topics for the sake of accomplishing the challenge anymore. You got me. The topics no longer seem appealing to me. Sorry.

Currently, I'm at home for 5 weeks of holiday. As usual, holiday means, slacking off, eating, watching movies till I puke rainbows, reading (and re-reading) novels and sleeping. Ugh. I wish I would be more productive. So, here's a letter to myself when I reach 20 (which would be this 7th Feb) to MOTIVATE me.







Dear 20-year-old Syahirah Ruslan,

     Let's start with your Imaan. Have you read the Islamic book that you always want to read and study? You've bought the book for the sake of attending Fardhu Ain class but have you read it for your OWN sake? I hope you did. May I ask about your relationship with Allah? Please do not regard your prayers as a instant reflex aka routine. Please, talk to Him, remember, He always listens. He understands. I hope you turn to Him FIRST before your family and friend. I hope you do.

     You're officially a TESOLian, I see. You've even passed your first semester. Do you think your efforts were really adequate............ (God I feel like crying)? I know you've always attended your lectures despite the fact that most fellow coursemates didn't. But did you really study hard enough to ace those tests? Wait. That sounded so wrong. Did you study just so you could pass those tests or for the sake of gaining knowledge because of Allah? Girl, I hope you would never forget to renew your intention. Girl, I hope you realise that you did not throw much efforts in studying for the first semester (sigh) and with that, please work harder for second semester, thank you.

    In order to compensate your love towards foooood (especially chocolate, cakes, desserts, anything that has butter, cheese), I hope you've made an effort to cycle regularly and practise pilates through the YouTube channel that you've subscribed for months. If you can't make a commitment with that one-month plan, what's up with learning the dance routine by Kyle Hanagami? Stop complaining about your dissatisfaction towards your body shape if you don't even bother to work out, okay? Huh.

     Now that you're 20, I hope you are mature enough to speak nicely instead of sarcastically. I mean, you should think before you talk. Do NOT talk about other people. Do NOT gossip about them. Control your temper. Do NOT let your temper overrules you and hurts others. And please, learn to trust other people. I know it's hard, but you can't love them without believing in them.

    Have you learned how to crochet? You've always wanted to do that since your junior frequently shares photos of her adorable, 'self-crochetted' hats in Facebook. Have you made any progress in playing guitar, you know like, mastering the bar chords. You've played guitar for almost 7 years (oh my God, I still can't believe it) but you barely play any songs that require you to apply bar chords. You keep in MOTION, but there's no PROGRESSION. Haish. I hope you've made an effort to write songs like you always wanted to do. Oh right, what about a novel that you've always wanted to write?

    Calm down. I know that being 20 is quite a pressure to you, but I hope that you'll always make progression instead of staying in comfort zone. Every step matters okay. Good luck!

#17 Things that make you scared

Oblivion.





HA. I'm no Augustus Waters (The Fault In Our Stars). Oh well, Hazel said that oblivion is inevitable, hence, there's no point in getting myself scared of oblivion alright.


     The truth is, I'm scared of breaking my own principles. My friends acknowledge me as a person who's quite stubborn, who goes on her own way and who has unbreakable principles (based on what they write about me in my book before we departed). Unbreakable principle. HAHA. You know like, not singing nor dancing in front of huge number of spectators (which I kind of did...... but I promise it won't happen again), not sharing crushes with my friends (HAHA I'll give in to my friends, don't worry), practise what I preach, just to name a few.

     Breaking my own principles would hurt my pride even though nobody is aware of my principles, I'm really sure that God knows (of course). Honestly, I AM trying hard to hold on to one of my principles right now (doesn't necessarily be one of those being mentioned above). Wish me luck.

     I'm scared of screwing up my exams, snakes, clown, ghost movies, disappointing my parents, corpse, being late, driving, losing the people I love and expressing anger unintentionally.

Purple

I was dreaming colours,
It was purple,
As far as I could remember,
And there was you,
I knew it was you all along,

They say, 
Dreams are mere interpretation of inner desire,

But it was so real,
I could still remember every little detail of it,
So vivid,
So hauntingly beautiful,
But then it was you,



I despise the fact that it was you.

#16 3 things you are proud of about your personality.

Disclaimer: I strongly do NOT promote narcissism. 

As I'm reading this '3 things you are proud of about your personality' all over again, then I realize that my personality has nothing to be proud of.

Why? Because I'm too shy on first meeting. I'm too quiet (that's what my teachers always thought). Then when I get too comfortable with someone, I cannot keep my mouth shut. Then I regret for saying too much about things perhaps I shouldn't. And I'm super awkward (while putting on resting b*tch face) around boys. 

Sometime, I think I'm a better version of myself when I'm all .. alone. 

Alright, I should pull myself together and be optimist because nobody likes hanging out with a worrywart. 

Good Listener - or at least that's what I think I am. I have this principle of listening attentively to someone when he or she is talking. Sometime I might cut in, but then I would ALWAYS ask them to continue their stories. That's why I'm proudly admit that I tend to remember simple, little details about my friends. (but I must confess that due to frequent plugging earphones into my ears, I kinda have sound trouble, lately >.< )

Honest -  I'm a terrible liar. I do lie, sometime (who doesn't, huh?) but I'm bad at keeping that lie to myself. If I'm not being honest, my conscience would mess with me, then I have to .... concede. I can't even act all nice around people that I can't really get along with. You can see it on my face. Haha now I'm unsure whether this is something that I should be proud of or not.

I do what I like, I don't care what other people think about me - Well sometime yeah, people perception towards us might be a cruel misconception because they don't really know us just yet. And yeah, sometime it gets on my nerves. Then I just simply let it slide because it does not matter. I don't have the 'luxury' to sit back, wallow in sadness and ponder about their perception towards me. So, I dress to impress myself, stay quiet when I don't feel like talking, boldly express my thought, take a stroll all alone while listening to music and laugh when I feel like it. I'm proud to be myself and do what makes me happy :)

#15 The Best Things To Happen To You This Week.

No, not this week. I still have 5 papers left for my final exam. 2 weeks of torture. The best things to happen to me would be getting myself FREE from final exam.................well NOT this week, for sure. 

The last day of exam is always the best. One of the best days of my life is the last day of exam during my pre-U USM foundation year. It was my last encounter with Science and Mathematics. I must say, I kind of miss studying those subjects. They are so challenging, twisted and ................. stressful. Sometime, I can't help but imagine what if I chose another path. Never mind. This path that I'm taking is the BEST one, I hope.