Source: D-Unit's Missing You MV
Anger. Frustrated. Devastated. Disappointed. Confused. Insecure. Inferior.
I'ts March. Bloody March. Or 4th March to be exact. Is it okay to say I'm frustrated because I was expecting Demi Lovato to release her album today, and yet she didn't? Is it safe to say not getting what I want even after asking for so many times infuriate me? Is it a bad thing to say that PLKN is completely (or almost) irrelevant for saying hello to me, right NOW? Is it a crime to let the insecurity empowers me when it comes to my vague future?
Too many questions, too little time.
Yeah. Like how my other friends did, I also took a driving license. I went to the workshop. Listening. Laughing. Thinking. Daydreaming. Writing. Then I strive for the exam and yeah, I got 48/50 ....and it wasn't effortless because I studied as if I was preparing for nerve-wracking exam (reminded me to SPM, which was horrendous). Then again, I entered the theory class and met my ex-classmate when I was 7. He approached me and said he recognized me because I'm Anis Nadhirah's friend and dancing partner. We talked and talked, awkwardly. But it's alright.
Then, here we go. The first time ever meeting with the teacher who's going to teach me how to drive (obviously). And I didn't like him. Not even the slightest bit. I couldn't help it. I knew he was a teacher, so it gave him a right to tell me what's wrong and what's right. But, he said so many hurtful things about me, myself and I. About how weak I am. How motionless I am. How embarrassing I acted by making stupid mistakes (God, it was my first time T.T) Well, at first, I could just bear for the sake of it. He was a teacher. So he should say something for me to rectify my problem. Until that moment, that very moment, when he said I ruined his plan by making slow progress, I SHOULD'NT TAKE DRIVING LICENSE BECAUSE I WASN'T READY and I WAS THE FIRST STUDENT THAT WAS SO DAMN NERVOUS AND COWARD in the SECOND HOUR of driving car. It hit me. Real. Hard. Keep holding the tears. Don't cry, girl. Don't.
I went home with tears, helplessly. I locked myself in my room and cried my heart out. I was so scared. So insecure. So terrified. I refused to learn driving again simply because I was scared of things I don't even know. Driving on the road made me feel so exposed to the point that it felt surreal. God. First time is always the hardest. I gave up. I loathed driving. Even when my mom told me I was going to get a new teacher in the future, I still felt insecure. And anger. Wrath. Those harsh words were too .... harsh. Haunting me, until now.
Then I had this courage. This exceptional courage from Him. And I believe He answered my prayer through this courage that I got from my family and friends. I'm going to try again. I'm going to drive again. With my father's help, I learned how to drive properly. No rushing. No harsh words, telling me I cannot do this and that. He's always there. The teacher's words keep ringing in my ears, but then I simply just ....... SHUT UP and drive.
Oh yeah. I'll get a new teacher. Maybe it wouldn't change a thing. I wouldn't give high expectation. I need a teacher who can accept me making mistakes., shoot., how am I going to learn if I don't make mistakes? That's it.
And yeah. I drive and drive till I run into PLKN. PLKN wanted me to stop driving for now. Because I'm going to PLKN this 31st, March, 2013. Great. Just great. Ugh. And yeah, I'm not going to stop driving, I'm just going to take a break from accelerating towards 'P' license.
p/s: I'm not blaming him. Maybe it's just me. No chemistry. I cannot help it. And yeah, maybe I'm just scared.