Melancholy

melancholy - A feeling of pensive sadness, typically with no obvious cause.

This afternoon, while I was on my way to Tesco with my roommate, my little sister whatsapp-ed me, mentioning my favourite newborn kitten just opened its eyes and she discovered its BLUE eyes. I was so ecstatic. Because that was so beautiful. Adorable KITTEN, with BLUE eyes. But it would take me months to see that kitten again because I just start my new semester. My roommate and I used to stalk this one Instagram profile blessed with beautiful, fluffy kittens and cats. One of the cats (the 'daddy') named Muffin has the most gorgeous, dreamy BLUE eyes and super fluffy white fur. To imagine one of the kittens at my home possesses BLUE eyes was lovely.


But then on the early evening she whatsapp-ed me again, telling me that my favourite, blue-eyed kitten was ........... sick. Its body was really weak, skinny and fragile. It also had uneven breathing. Seeing the photo of its' mother putting her arm around its weak body broke my heart. My sister said that its' mother seemed to feel its pain because she was hugging it. 

That black-and-white kitten is my favourite one.

At 9pm, it was found to be ............... dead. Lying dead in front of the door of my house, said my little sister. Its mother carried it to the door and meowed sadly as if trying to convey the fact that her 'baby' was dead. Then my father burried its dead body and fed her to make her feel better. 


I was not really fond of cats (but I love kittens) but hearing this story from my little sister makes me feel down because I didn't see it coming. I am not supposed to feel sad, but I do. I just simply do.  

The Decision, The Path

Tomorrow will be my third day on semester 2. Semester 1 was a good start. English is always a challenge to me no matter how much I love that beautiful language. Semester 1 was confusing, exhausting and exciting. 

Confusing? Because I was struck with doubt (like, tons of times) whether this course is the right choice in the first place. 

I don't know why but whenever I heard people mention the word 'medic', I tend to wonder of what would happen if I chose that course. I must confess, I felt quite a slight of attachment towards that course deep in my heart. I kind of felt like it was meant for me, as if it was my destiny even though I didn't even have little 'affection' or interest towards it. Consequently, I began to feel torn between what I was supposed to do, what others wanted me to do and what I wanted to do. I thought I was supposed to choose medic because the path and the condition were perfectly laid out in front of me. Almost everyone wanted me to choose that course but I didn't really bother to listen to them (haha). Even when there were few friends supported my decision to go for TESOL and frowned upon listening to my temporary decision towards medic, I felt like they were underestimating me. Yeah, just because they can go for that course, what made they think that I couldn't? God, I was so emotional, over-thinking girl.  

Of course, I wanted to be free to study the subjects that I love - English. Being me, a free spirit, a reckless decision maker and a dreamer who would do anything for her dream - I chose what I wanted to do. 

My effort was never good enough. I would never call myself as a hardworking, stay-up-late-studying kind of student. I would never call myself as a bright student either. I always perceive that God is being nice to me, He showers me with 'rezeki' and every blissful thing that occurs in my life, I give Him the credit for it. I am nothing. I am nothing without Him. 

Now, I am twenty, young, still breathing (Alhamdulillah), a proud TESOLian (I don't give a damn even when you think my course is not fancy as yours) and ready to conquer............my own little world.