Come Back Again

Wirawati Negara :)

Wow. It's been a long time since I last blogging. Keeping my blog as private for almost 2 months was meant to declare my absence for carrying out my duty to attend national service (PLKN). That's it.

So..........................I'm back!

PLKN was .... horrendous. Hey. Just kidding. (well it was, at first :p) Okay. Let me first start with spreading the objective of PLKN:

• PERPADUAN KAUM 
• INTEGRASI NASIONAL

If you're Malaysian, I guarantee you can fully understand those objectives. Heh. But if you're somehow doubt the true meaning of those objectives, you know what they say "Google is your best friend". Done. 

What I can say about my Kem PLKN: Cancun Park, Pasir Mas, Kelantan is I was lucky enough to be placed there compared to other camps. Why? Because it only took 1 hour for my Ayah to drive his car to visit me. Hehe. Nahhhh. It's not just because of that, lah. This camp is quite well-known for its high disciplined. And it also stresses the most significant part in our life, which is - religion. 

Syahirah Ruslan (me) and Syahera Rosli (her). Haha.

Nadiah. Me. Alia. I'm glad we're in the same group in the class ;)

 Time is money. Indeed. It's crucial to be punctual (It's rhyme, lol). In my case, I really hate being late and wasting time is so.............NOT my thing. At home, when it only involves myself, yes, I must confess that I tend to waste time a lot by watching korean dramas, facebook-ing, listening to music and so on. But I have this sense of urgency where I don't like making people wait for me and I detest the feel of being the last person who arrives at certain occasions/events. Fyi, the rule here is quite simple: If one person makes mistake, the rest will also have to bear the punishments. *Sigh

Teddy Bear and Lija. Teddy Bear? Yeahh... she's CUTE like a teddy bear. Hehe.

One thing I discovered about myself is I love being independent. I really do. It feels great to be aware of the fact that I can count on myself. I'm not trying to brag or whatsoever, but I managed to wake up approximately 5 am EVERY morning (with Kak Long's help and by myself). It is considered early.................in my dorm. Since I hate being late, especially to the Surau, I take a deep breath and walk alone at 5.30 am to the Surau.

What a beautiful coincidence. This is the KEY of my locker. 0702 is the number of that key (obviously). 0702 is equal to 7 FEBRUARY, right? Hey, it's my BIRTHDAY! Wow.

Lia and Jiha. Beautiful ~

Nina and Me. Smile ~

Friendship. I'm not easily attached to other people but at some points, I can be very friendly. I can be very talkative, sometime. It depends. I don't have much friends, but  each friend possesses the meaningful value to me.In my point of view, in friendship, quality is way more important than quantity. Hey there, friends, thanks for the memories. Good or bad, they've become memories. As usual, first impression is always wrong. Haha. Don't judge a book by its cover, okay? There's always something more behind those cover. Everybody's wearing a masquerade (or you can call it image) to create impressive first impression but hey, I'm glad we had built trust towards each other just so we could reveal the masquerade :)

Lija, Dayah, Kak Long, Qema, Eg, Lia, Jiha, Tihah, Syahera, Nadiah, Alia, Dilah, Ika, Fatin, Nurin, Kak Dayah, Ina, Teddy Bear, Syarifah, Tan Eu Reen, Fazira, Ramlah, Nina, Diana and Tirah.

THANKS. A LOT.

Kak Long and Qema. Whoopss.... that's our dorm Bourgenvilla :D

Dorms......................

RANDOM. I would never forget the pressure of being a director in performing an acting for 'Seloka'. Even though we didn't win, we had done our BEST, so, thanks, guys. I take that as a compliment when several peeps (including the teacher) thought I'm from a SMKA when I'm technically from SMK. You know what I mean, aren't you? I would never ever miss the endless roll call.............. it was so boring. Not to mention, the sirens! Ugh. And yeah, I would never forget the 'mini concert' in dorm orkid where I strummed the black guitar (Yaya's guitar) to the song 2NE1's I Don't Care. Teehee. Kak Long, I'm glad I have you as someone to look up to. We talked about so many things. You are so beautiful on the inside and outside. You have no idea how much I want to be a part of Usrah (at PLKN), but I can't because I have to further my study. Keep doing what you're doing, Kak Long! Yeah, I miss my bed (with pink sheets) and my locker!

PLKN. Thank you for teaching me the most remarkable thing which is - PATIENT.

  

So Random

1. So Random is a comedy sketch in Sonny With A Chance (2009). The show is soooooo hilarious. Especially DEMI LOVATO, as Sonny. They only have 2 seasons, though. Demi had to stop filming that show for some reasons. I re-watched 12 episodes last night! Whoa. 

2. Sonny and Chad is the cutest, adorable couple, ever. I can't get over them. They are so perfect for each other. Chad's arrogant, self-centered personality meets down-to-earth, sweet, Sonny is simply perfect. They argue, most of the times. Hiding their feelings for each other. But, it's just so OBVIOUS. Btw, I already wrote about them, back then..... HERE, CLICK!

They argue. They make up. I want to have someone to say, "Good. Good. Fine. Fine." too >,<
Credit: Tumblr

3. Chad's REAL name is STERLING KNIGHT. Yeah. Sterling. Sparkling. Haha. I like his unique name. And yeah, he possesses two BLUE, sparkle eyes. Like how Sonny said to him.., to the point that she lost in his beautiful eyes. I kept repeating that scene. I was laughing so hard.

4. Chad and Sonny is just so SWEET. Like Jamie and Landon. Ron and Hermione. Harry and Ginny. Chuck and Blair. Edward and Bella. Enrique and Go Dok Mi. Kyohei and Sunako. Dian and Harris. Domyouji and Makino. My favourite on-screen couple xD

5. Tomorrow is the expired date of my RM15 voucher of BODY SHOP. Well, I bet you're going to be like, so what? Only RM15, mehhh. But, if I purchase a Chocomania Lip Butter which costs RM26, I'll only pay RM11 with the voucher!!! 

6. I attend SEWING CLASS for 4 times a week. Duration? 3 hours. And it's FUN. But well, since the PLKN is calling me, I only have less than a month to attend that class. Means, I couldn't make it until I can really sew clothes. Tak sempat. Because we all start from the basic. And I'm a bit late. It's always been my dream to sew my own outfits, like dresses, skirts and all that.

7. I want my fourteen-year-old skin back. It wasn't that flawless. But it's much better than my current skin condition. I'm sick of people (my family and relatives) keep commenting about my blemished skin. It's not my fault. Blame the HORMONES. I always cleanse, tone and moisturize my skin twice a day. BODY SHOP, it's been 3 months already.......... Help me.

8. Learning Hangul (Korean alphabet). Learn how to read, write and pronounce. NOT how to understand them. It's exhilarating because I LOVE listening to Korean songs, copying the Hangul lyrics through the internet, then I try to write the romanization (the pronunciation). But, it's still depressing because I don't understand the meaning! But now, the pens are running out of ink..... so, I need a Pen..................................

9. My so-called fashion scrapbook is neglected. And why is that? I need a pen............................................. and a glue. 

10. This is so immature. Out of all things which are ..... 'thinkable' (lol), I'm thinking and considering whether I should bring my iPod Nano to the PLKN or not. I need music. I need soundtrack for my moment. Music is my TIME MACHINE. But I'm afraid I might lost it if I bring it. My dilemma. Seriously, Demona......... SERIOUSLY?

11. SPM's RESULT....................................................... no need to say anything. Those TWO words already make my stomach SCREAMS, involuntarily. I'm hoping for the BEST. 

12. Tomorrow, I'll try to drink water EVERY hour. I'll try. It's good for the skin. Tehee.

13. I'm so lazy, these days. But then, again, I keep complaining about my waistline and how depressing my body is. I'm not fat. I'm not skinny, either. I don't want to be skinny, I want to be healthy. I want to get rid of those fats. I'll try to cycle MORE. And yeah, I'm learning this choreography by this JPOP song, GALAXIAS. Yeah. JPOP.

14. I'm craving for CHOCOLATE. Seriously, Demona? I thought you want to shred some fats. Not gaining them.

15. I'm waiting, anxiously, for Demi Lovato's FOURTH album. I LOVE her so much! Oh, right. I gotta buy her debut album.







16. Not so random anymore. That's it.









  

    

I just haven't met YOU yet

A scene where he asks her for a date in A Walk To Remember. The beautiful movie that I can watch over and over again without getting bored (:

The thing is, yes, I'm not allowed to date. If in this movie, it's mainly because her strict father is the one who forbids her from dating, but in my life, let's just say I'm protecting myself from those heart-broken incident by avoiding this love thingy. I'm not perfect. I'm just a human. BOYS annoy me, most of the time. I'm fuming and disgusted when they're telling me I'm cute, and all that. Ugh. I'm sorry if you're offended but honestly, that's what I feel. I'm just going to love myself, first. So, I don't think I deserve to love anyone yet. Just not yet. 

Yeah. I had been through those lovesick thingy back then. I had my first crush. I had my immature, puppy love. And I went through this painful, unrequited love. My friends and my own experience taught me that involving myself into finding my other half is just so immature and there's no guarantee that I'm going to secure the happily-ever-after ending. These days, it seems as if love is all about telling sweet nothings, chatting, dating, holding hands, advertising their whole love story to the whole world and only just to end up getting hurt...... if they're not meant for each other. Not to mention how 'sweet' their appearance towards each other which actually turns out to be a facade. Pretending. Acting. Simply because they prefer to appear PERFECT in front of their loved ones.... instead of being themselves. Is that LOVE?

Yeah. I know right. Life is all about taking risks in attempt for a whole new happiness. But, come on. You're just wasting your time and you know it. There's definitely something more risky and better waiting for you to be discovered. Life's too short for you to cry over someone who's not worth it.

That's why Islam is exceptionally beautiful. In Islam, there is no such thing as couple, whatsoever. And again, Love is our natural tendency. Fitrah. As a human. The solution of this is definitely marriage. Allah knows what's best, so He protects us from falling prey into the trap set up by the devil. He protects us from being deceived by our hearts. And I believe in Him. If we haven't met with our other half yet, it's because He knows that we aren't ready yet. Because we have our own priority and obligation. Because we need to improve, reflex and prepare ourselves. Only then, when we meet our soulmate, we are deserved to say, '_____________ completes me'. 



Cinta dusta, dijalin tanpa sebarang ikatan yang sah. Resah. Curiga. Khianat.
Indahnya cinta selepas bernikah. Tenang. Percaya. Setia. 

FATIMAH SYARHA - Sebarkan Cinta-Mu 


p/s: I'm deeply sorry if you're offended by my words. I'm only trying to express my pent-up impression towards what's happening around me.  

Anger

Grrrr....... 
Source: D-Unit's Missing You MV

Kemarahan. Fitrah manusia. Wajar diuruskan dengan baik.   Screw it. God, I just cannot write in Bahasa Melayu. I just cannot. 

Anger. Frustrated. Devastated. Disappointed. Confused. Insecure. Inferior. 

I'ts March. Bloody March. Or 4th March to be exact. Is it okay to say I'm frustrated because I was expecting Demi Lovato to release her album today, and yet she didn't? Is it safe to say not getting what I want even after asking for so many times infuriate me? Is it a bad thing to say that PLKN is completely (or almost) irrelevant for saying hello to me, right NOW? Is it a crime to let the insecurity empowers me when it comes to my vague future? 

Too many questions, too little time.



Yeah. Like how my other friends did, I also took a driving license. I went to the workshop. Listening. Laughing. Thinking. Daydreaming. Writing. Then I strive for the exam and yeah, I got 48/50 ....and it wasn't effortless because I studied as if I was preparing for nerve-wracking exam (reminded me to SPM, which was horrendous). Then again, I entered the theory class and met my ex-classmate when I was 7. He approached me and said he recognized me because I'm Anis Nadhirah's friend and dancing partner. We talked and talked, awkwardly. But it's alright.

Then, here we go. The first time ever meeting with the teacher who's going to teach me how to drive (obviously). And I didn't like him. Not even the slightest bit. I couldn't help it. I knew he was a teacher, so it gave him a right to tell me what's wrong and what's right. But, he said so many hurtful things about me, myself and I. About how weak I am. How motionless I am. How embarrassing I acted by making stupid mistakes (God, it was my first time T.T)  Well, at first, I could just bear for the sake of it. He was a teacher. So he should say something for me to rectify my problem. Until that moment, that very moment, when he said I ruined his plan by making slow progress, I SHOULD'NT TAKE DRIVING LICENSE BECAUSE I WASN'T READY and I WAS THE FIRST STUDENT THAT WAS SO DAMN NERVOUS AND COWARD in the SECOND HOUR of driving car. It hit me. Real. Hard. Keep holding the tears. Don't cry, girl. Don't. 

I went home with tears, helplessly. I locked myself in my room and cried my heart out. I was so scared. So insecure. So terrified. I refused to learn driving again simply because I was scared of things I don't even know. Driving on the road made me feel so exposed to the point that it felt surreal. God. First time is always the hardest. I gave up. I loathed driving. Even when my mom told me I was going to get a new teacher in the future, I still felt insecure. And anger. Wrath. Those harsh words were too .... harsh. Haunting me, until now. 

Then I had this courage. This exceptional courage from Him. And I believe He answered my prayer through this courage that I got from my family and friends. I'm going to try again. I'm going to drive again. With my father's help, I learned how to drive properly. No rushing. No harsh words, telling me I cannot do this and that. He's always there. The teacher's words keep ringing in my ears, but then I simply just ....... SHUT UP and drive.  


Oh yeah. I'll get a new teacher. Maybe it wouldn't change a thing. I wouldn't give high expectation. I need a teacher who can accept me making mistakes., shoot., how am I going to learn if I don't make mistakes? That's it.




And yeah. I drive and drive till I run into PLKN. PLKN wanted me to stop driving for now. Because I'm going to PLKN this 31st, March, 2013. Great. Just great. Ugh. And yeah, I'm not going to stop driving, I'm just going to take a break from accelerating towards 'P' license. 

p/s: I'm not blaming him. Maybe it's just me. No chemistry. I cannot help it. And yeah, maybe I'm just scared.

     

Closure

I don't know how to begin.

It's just that, I feel like giving up. I feel like running away. Well, at least, there is a person who glads I disappear from here. 

I feel like giving up blogging, for now because day by day, I feel the urge to write about the pain that I feel. I'm afraid I might write about something so stupid that I'll become ashamed of, in the future. In the end, I will hurt the people that I love, because of my selfish action. Seems like a small matter to you, but, it's a big deal to me.

The same thing keeps coming back to me for years. It feels like forever. I have no one to run too. I hate myself for having none.

So yeah. I'm leaving from here. I feel like I'm betrayed, judged and punished for something's out of my reach. So please. Forgive me. If I was wrong.

I'll be back ..... if I'm ready. 

Eternal Peace. Now smile, girl.