I know it sounds absurd that I used to be scared (not really a quite accurate adjective to describe it) of - cooking. And the only person who understood that without judging me was my secondary school friend. We used to be so close and she's the kind of person who listens to my problems without being judgmental. But these days we kind of drift apart because she sucks at replying messages and keeping in touch (she made it very clear about that so no hard feelings).

Alright back to the main topic, I used to hate myself (still do) because I was bad at it and I did nothing to improve for some reasons. The reasons might be my ego and the people around me. I received a lot of backlash, hurtful comments that hurt my pride and those things did not make me want to improve my cooking skill though. They were very insulting and I did not know what's gotten into me but all I wanted to react was by NOT improving my cooking skill because that would mean that I succumbed to their ideas that women have to know how to cook. They did not make it a big deal if men don't so it irritated me in a way. Cooking skill is a survival skill, not a skill that all women have to be interested in order to get married whatsoever, that's what I thought (and think).

The voices slow down these days and I try not to let them get into my head and heart. For God's sake, I'm 23. I don't want to overthink petty things that would restrain me from growing. I'm proudly say that I've overcome my 'fear' and I'm doing this for MYSELF and people that I love. 

She's strong. But she's exhausted.
                                                      - R.H. Sin




Is it selfish that for once, all I've ever wanted is to fall into pieces and rely on someone who is stronger than me?

of sleeping in and life

I have a bad habit of sleeping in. I definitely have no problem waking up early for Subuh's prayer. Waking up early is not a big deal at all honestly. But then I tend to feel the need to go back to sleep. During holiday, I can sleep legit for more than 10 hours. I slept around 11pm that night, woke up at 6am for prayer, then continued to sleep until 11am. Then I woke up feeling terrible and hate myself for surrendering to sleep.

Every semester I always wish that I could form a new habit of NOT sleeping in after the prayer and I can get ready for morning workout (pilates or jogging) afterward. Because last time I did those routine, I felt so productive and energetic the whole day. But then again, like a cycle, I regressed to my bad habit. SLEEPING IN. 

I was definitely on top of my game during my foundation year. I did not sleep in at all during weekend (mind you, don't even talk about weekdays, the classes were 8 to 5). I STUDIED outside of the hostel room. yeap. I STUDIED instead of sleeping in. I studied those subjects that I detest the most (math, bio, phy, chem). At that time, I had strong motivation and pressure to maintain my result and get out of the college. 

But now, I admit that I'm hitting the rock bottom and take everything for granted. I know that I always talk about this quite frequently lately. I'm already halfway on my 3rd year of doing this yet at some points, I lost my motivation and purpose. This is what I've always wanted and now I'm still questioning it. I've always wanted to teach English but considering my efforts (which are lacking, fyi) right now, I'm not sure if I am capable of doing it in the future. Worst of all, I'm currently dealing with anxiety. I have no one to turn to, nor that I want to rely on anyone (because I find talking about my problems to anyone would make things worse). Hence I find peace by seeking guidance from God, exercising as my form of anti-depressant and spending a lot of time to reflect.

And I want to start a new habit that does not include sleeping in. I've tried it for the past two days and I've never felt so good and refreshed. Wake up, pray, sip coffee, go for morning run and have breakfast. Then I take a quick nap right before Zohor prayer. InsyaAllah I'll try my best to maintain this habit. It won't be easy and I might fall prey into my bad habit but I promise to keep trying. Changing my bad habit might just be a life-changing experience, won't it?

Inner Demons

Sometime I hear voices telling me that I shouldn't be doing that because that's not me even though 'that' refers to positive thing. Sometime I give in to that voices. Sometime I disobey them. When I get mad at someone/something, I can feel my blood is boiling and my face is flushing with pent-up anger. My intention often being misinterpreted because I speak in high pitch (so they all thought that I'm angry ALL THE TIME). Sometime those voices make me question others sincerity. Sometime they turn me into a judgmental bitch. Sometime they lure me to speak carelessly. 

The thing is, who am I to blame 'them' when 'they' are a part of me? They are my inner demons. I would runaway from them and surrender when I'm weak. I would face and fight them when my faith is restored. God, I'm just a human. 

It's an endless battle, I know. 

Comfort Zone

True dat.

I think that I can relate to this (refer to the picture above), a lot. In fact, I've seen a lot of my friends do amazing things once they're willing to break out of their comfort zones. It's not easy, but it's worth it. If we're staying in our comfort zones, we'll become stagnant in a way, right? Even Cassey Ho (my favourite pilates instructor) said, "Make yourself feel uncomfortable, every day," (something like that haha). 

In my past experience, I've tried a lot of new things, challenging myself, and that's when I discovered my passion. If I didn't try, I wouldn't discover it. You know what they say, don't wait for opportunity, create it. Whenever I feel the urge to do something so bad, I'll visualize the whole thing in my head and find the opportunity to get what I want. Trust me, it works. I have this strong feeling, deep inside, there's this voice telling me that I'm going to seize it and the only way to make it becomes reality is by acting upon it.

I don't know what's going on with me lately, is it because of the intoxicating latte I sipped, oral presentation that I think I aced it (insyaAllah), being able to do the opening of a dance performance or ... the fact that for the first time I answered this extrovert vs introvert quiz in class just now, I scored - EXTROVERT. That quiz's result is invalid, for sure. It's Buzzfeed, y'all. I'm certain that 70% of me is leaning towards INTROVERT lol. But the quiz's result somehow changes my perception. I could try to leave my comfort zones. I should try overcoming my fears. I don't have social anxiety, I'm just socially awkward. I think too much about what I say and how it affects me or them. I rely on my extroverted company (note: I call them extrovert because they're the opposite of the word 'awkward') too much. I let them feel superior over me by letting them do all the talking/meeting other people and I hide behind their back just because I can. It's easier to let the thoughts flew by rather than expressing them in words. I'm stuck in my own comfort zone for years. 

Until one day, one of my extroverted companies made fun of me being socially awkward. Of course it hurts like hell. I shed some tears in the bathroom and went out like I didn't feel affected by those words. I'm too comfortable being quiet so much that I've let my guard down in front of them. The truth is, I hate being awkward. But I can't help it. 

These days, I have no idea what's gotten into me, but somehow everyday, there would always be strangers smiling at me and guess what? It's infectious. I could wear a smile and talk to the barista without looking at my feet (the atmosphere was less awkward). Baby steps. I don't want to hide behind the privilege of being an introvert just to avoid social interactions where ......... amazing things might just happen.  

Everything Is Blue

My favourite sight. This photo was captured by me at Windmills, Perhentian island.

I'm exhausted. But I'm not complaining. I feel so happy to see the dancing (representing latin dance) and swimming (swim lesson) emojis at my timetable. Can't you see how excited I am by mere sight of the emojis?

And oh, in swimming lesson, I'm proud to say that in our slot, I'm the most advanced learner obviously because I know the basic of swimming (not the technique, though). I'm a kampung girl. My Ayah would take my siblings and I to swim at the sea, river and waterfall since we were practically toddlers. We learned how to swim naturally. We played around a lot, for sure. I would compete with my brothers on who-can-hold-the-breath-under-water-for-the-longest-time-win game. My big brother would show me how to act like a starfish underwater saying that in order to it, he has to apply one of the Physics principles (I didn't even begin to learn Physics back then). I remember letting my body float and let the river took me where it wants to. And I guess that's how I taught myself how to back float. Playing dead was my way of self-taught how to front float. So, entering this swimming lesson helps me a lot in learning the right technique. You know, those breast stroke thingy. All this time I just simply move my hands and legs however I want them to be as long as I float and able to move lol and that's what I called swimming. 

I guess that explains why I'm so attached to water activities, so much that I plan with my friends for annual trip to islands. Please don't be too alarmed with my sudden updates of my blog. haha. I just feel this urge to blog some random things. I have no idea why. pms kot.  

Kapas Island

For some reasons, I'm currently in the mood of blogging, so here we go. Last year, Yah, KayKay, Ain and me went to Perhentian island during semester break. We became friends during pre U USM foundation year. We thought of making the trip for our batch friends but um, not everyone is interested I guess. So I invited my sister and cousin whereas KayKay invited her sister. That's that. The place was beautiful even though we were not satisfied with the accommodation but meh, let bygones be bygones. 

So this year, I uploaded a throwback photo of our trip, without expecting any upcoming island trip. Then Yah commented and suggested us to go to the island again. I brought our Whatsapp group 'came back to live' lol and called it 'Ke Pulau Ke Kita 2.0' and invited more friends. Ain suggested Kapas island. Then we're like, "Why not? So let's do this". Yah is an amazing leader, negotiator and communicator haha so she did all the talking to the trip package agent. Few weeks passed, then we've reached Kapas island for a 3D2N trip. I was so ecstatic. There's nothing more pleasing than being able to feast my eyes on the blue blue seawater and swimming like there's no tomorrow.

We departed to Kapas island at Marang jetty. Oh right, Kapas island is located at Terengganu, of course. Terengganu has wonderful beaches and islands. One of the reasons why I'm proud to be anak Terengganu.

This is the place where we stay for 2 nights. Highly recommended. The food is delish. The room is clean and comfy.

The girls named this as 'stairway to heaven'.

 One of the best attractions, in my personal opinion, is how we can go to the other side of the island by climbing the stairs. As a self-claimed wanderer, I got excited whenever I saw the stairs because it makes me wonder how's the beach going to look like on the other side. While they were so into capturing photos and all, I could not wait to climb the stairs to get to the other sides. On our 1st day, after settling down, unpacking those bags, we went to discover those beautiful beaches and have a memorable girls talk.

I can live here forever.

I don't care even if my skin was tan, I felt so happy. I just couldn't stop swimming even when it was 12 pm.

How can you look at this crystal clear water and not believe?

Day 2 is the day we went snorkelling. Oh well, the day I anticipated the most. We had 2 snorkelling trips which were from 10 am - 12 pm and 3 pm - 5 pm. On our first snorkelling point, Jane hesitated to go into the water mainly because it was her first time so she felt quite insecure and all. Then we all went snorkelling without her and when I approached KayKay and Syafa, they told me..

KK: Do you feel something sharp penetrating your feet?

S: Yeah, it feels as if the seawater is somewhat sharp like needles.

W: Nope, I don't feel anything. Perhaps it's because I'm wearing socks.

Then, I felt this deep sting on my two hands. Yeah, it's true, the seawater was 'sharp'. There were like a bunch of little needles in the seawater. It hurts. I even got some scratches but I ignored them and dunked my head into the water to see those fish and corals. When we got into the boat, 

S: Those foreigners were saying that there were a lot of baby jellyfish in the water. 

W: What? I really thought that the seawater was literally ... sharp. I had no idea that it was because of baby jellyfish all this time. 

Yeap, those babies stung us. Ain got a lot of rashes after that but they were harmless, so Alhamdulillah everything's good. 

Yah, the cat lover, kept questioning how did those cats get to be in this island? Did someone took them here from the mainland or what?

 An unexpected thing happened on our 2nd night there. That night, we were so exhausted after two trips of snorkelling, hence we went to hit the sack early. Then at 12 am, all of us were awoken by the eerie sound of harsh wind. It was so creepy. It sounded like a bunch of girls went gaga and screaming their lungs out. Hajar went to grab our swimming outfits, hanging on the veranda. I was so scared to even help her so I just closed my eyes and recite prayer quietly. We tried to sleep, praying that everything would be fine tomorrow. It makes me realize that as a servant, whenever things get rough and we need something to hold onto, we would always turn to Allah. The words, "O Allah" would reflexively escape from our mouths whenever we face hardship, don't we? As a firm believer of Allah, we pray to Allah for protection. Then it makes me wonder, what would an atheist do or say in this similar situation when he/she doesn't even believe in higher power? 

The next morning, we went to search for the remaining outifts that Hajar couldn't manage to grab. I lost my favourite black shawl. Yes, I mourned for the lost of my new, favourite shawl. So devastating, I told you. It's black. It's black. 

On our last day, we went rock climbing and hiking. The journey took 3 hours. It was quite challenging. The rock could be sharp, wet and slippery. And the final hiking to get to see the view as the photo above was so steep. I freaked out a bit while trying to keep it cool. haha. The trails were rough, our staminas were running empty but Alhamdulillah we did it. You know the drill, life's a climb but the view is great. 

Team Ke Pulau Ke Kita 2.0

Thank you for making it happen. 

I couldn't thank God enough for letting me meet this amazing bunch.

And of course, I edited a video to keep these precious moment forever. The footages are all from my Note 2 phone, Yah's SJ Cam and Hajar's iPhone so I'm kinda proud of the outcome despite the fact that I'm not using my camera. Enjoy!

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Hello there,

I'm on my 5th week of 5th semester. Life's good. I've always had this hunch that if I tell my plan/goal to my friends, I might just somehow not going to be able to hit that goal. Jinx? I don't know. But I'm a person who holds to her words (at least I'm trying to). I'm not going to say things that I'm not going to do. Because ones who keep saying they're going to do this and that and then ending up not doing anything about it are my pet peeves. Mann, if you can't do it, don't throw your words carelessly saying that you're going to do it. Heh.

Today I'm just going to share my progress, I guess. No matter how skinny my friends think I am, I don't feel skinny nor fat. I embrace my body. The thing is, my family members label me as somewhat fat. Yeah I'm the tallest (among the girls) and my figure is quite huge compared to them. But I'm sick of them telling me I'm fat whenever I took a selfie, exposing my chubby cheeks. Sure, I have the biggest appetite, but well my height is 162 cm and they barely reach 160 cm. Of course I need more energy aka carbo. I don't want to go back to being skinny when I was 12 when my height was 160 cm and my weight was .... 39 kg (I'm 50 kg now). Heck no. I suppose they're not going to stop saying I'm fat until I lose 10 kg (which I won't unless I suffer from some illness or depression). So yeah, I stop feeding them with my attention. In other words, they can say what they want, but I'm too busy trying to impress myself by breaking my own records.

This semester, I took Latin dance class and swimming clinic to fill up my free time. I have to attend the dance class twice a week and swimming lesson once a week. So if I'm not dancing, I'll be doing Pilates. If I'm not swimming, I'll be hitting my running shoes. I used to walk (literally just WALK) around USM at least twice a week on previous semester. I'm proud of myself because now I can feel my progress of being able to jog + run + walk around USM now. At first it was a torture to jog uphill (if you've been to USM, you'll probably know how the route is like), but yesterday, for the first time, I could feel the progress of my body based on how long I could sustain the 'pain'. Now, everyday, I would always anticipate to end my day by working out just so I could indulge the blissful feeling of the first sip of water, night shower and the first bite of my dinner afterwards. 

I just want to feel stronger and healthier each day. Say no to being lazy bum. Haha. Keep your mouth shut and JUST DO IT.    

Purrfect

   So I've spent hours editing the Cat Family Tree because I need to get it out of my head. There are so many of them and I've been counting them in my head. For some reasons, I need to see them all mapped out on a visual material. Haha. Hot Mama gave birth for the fourth time last week. The kittens are just so precious. All of them have different colours and patterns. Throughout this week, we've lost 4 kittens. I don't want to go detail about their deaths because well, it upsets me. And the fact that Xoro is not home for the first time today makes it worse. Where did you go, Xoro? He's not the type to wander around even for a day :(

I still remember back then, I was never a cat lover. They're cute and that's that. When I was sitting for final examination during my Science foundation year, a cat actually sat on my Physics paper when I went for toilet break. To be honest, I didn't have a single experience of lifting/hugging a cat. So when I saw the cat on my table, I freaked out. Everyone was too busy answering the questions to help me. So there I was, talking to the cat, begging it to leave me (my Physics paper, to be exact) alone. At that moment, I wished the guy behind me (who was a cat lover, I suppose) would bother to help me, but alas, nobody even gave a damn. But I can feel the stares from my friends of course. It was so embarrassing. God, cat was so troublesome, that's what I thought.

I don't know man, what about this beautiful creatures that got me attached. They can be sneaky, needy and all, but I'm stoked. My first love would always be Putih. Isn't it weird that the ones that you love would always ignore you, but the ones that you don't would be all over you? Putih does not really fond skinship, I guess. He always ignores me. Unlike Stubby, who would always follow me even when I told him to go away. He's too clingy haha

 One thing that I've noticed from Hot Mama was, during mealtime, she would let her children eat until they're full and only then she'll eat. She's a good mother. Why Hot Mama? There was an incident when she would shamelessly lie down and expose her belly in the middle of a garden party we held last year. My friends and I were chatting and laughing and all, suddenly she appeared with her jiggly, sexy body (post giving birth) and asked for belly rub from us. Then my sister called her Hot Mama.

 Well unlike regular household with cats as pets, they tend to let their pets enter their houses right? But in my case, my parents wouldn't allow that. Mom wouldn't be happy with cats fur on her carpets. Dad wouldn't even stand the mess. But whenever we were away from home, my mom would say things like, "Hmm what do the cats eat at home, now?". Haha she still cares. Whereas until now, my father would cook rice and fish to feed those cats. He's in charge of the feeding part and my sister and I are in charge of the playing part hehe

 Most of the cats in the photos are actually no longer alive. I'd like to think that they're somewhere nice and pleasant, you know something like heaven or paradise. These are my favourite photos that my sister and I managed to capture.

 I believe that there are reasons why God let them come into our home. They are Rasulullah SAW favourite animal after all. Plus I've read that it is actually sunnah to keep cats and insyaAllah by doing it, we are being rewarded. Don't you think it's a good news to every cat lover out there? 

 One of the moments that my sister would reminisce is when Cookie was suddenly giving birth. She was so young. My sister was trying so hard to deny the fact that Cookie was pregnant when her belly suddenly getting big. She wanted to believe that Cookie was just overeating. But no, she was totally pregnant! Well in 'human form', Cookie is like a pregnant 13-year-old girl haha. She was a baby to us. But then her children are lovely. Smoothie is such a cool, chill, cute baby and CooJun is very hyperactive and she has Cookie's eyes. 

They bring out the best inner traits in us. They've taught us compassion, patience and love. All in all, they're a part of our happines. Adopt a cat, now!