I know it sounds absurd that I used to be scared (not really a quite accurate adjective to describe it) of - cooking. And the only person who understood that without judging me was my secondary school friend. We used to be so close and she's the kind of person who listens to my problems without being judgmental. But these days we kind of drift apart because she sucks at replying messages and keeping in touch (she made it very clear about that so no hard feelings).

Alright back to the main topic, I used to hate myself (still do) because I was bad at it and I did nothing to improve for some reasons. The reasons might be my ego and the people around me. I received a lot of backlash, hurtful comments that hurt my pride and those things did not make me want to improve my cooking skill though. They were very insulting and I did not know what's gotten into me but all I wanted to react was by NOT improving my cooking skill because that would mean that I succumbed to their ideas that women have to know how to cook. They did not make it a big deal if men don't so it irritated me in a way. Cooking skill is a survival skill, not a skill that all women have to be interested in order to get married whatsoever, that's what I thought (and think).

The voices slow down these days and I try not to let them get into my head and heart. For God's sake, I'm 23. I don't want to overthink petty things that would restrain me from growing. I'm proudly say that I've overcome my 'fear' and I'm doing this for MYSELF and people that I love. 

She's strong. But she's exhausted.
                                                      - R.H. Sin




Is it selfish that for once, all I've ever wanted is to fall into pieces and rely on someone who is stronger than me?

of sleeping in and life

I have a bad habit of sleeping in. I definitely have no problem waking up early for Subuh's prayer. Waking up early is not a big deal at all honestly. But then I tend to feel the need to go back to sleep. During holiday, I can sleep legit for more than 10 hours. I slept around 11pm that night, woke up at 6am for prayer, then continued to sleep until 11am. Then I woke up feeling terrible and hate myself for surrendering to sleep.

Every semester I always wish that I could form a new habit of NOT sleeping in after the prayer and I can get ready for morning workout (pilates or jogging) afterward. Because last time I did those routine, I felt so productive and energetic the whole day. But then again, like a cycle, I regressed to my bad habit. SLEEPING IN. 

I was definitely on top of my game during my foundation year. I did not sleep in at all during weekend (mind you, don't even talk about weekdays, the classes were 8 to 5). I STUDIED outside of the hostel room. yeap. I STUDIED instead of sleeping in. I studied those subjects that I detest the most (math, bio, phy, chem). At that time, I had strong motivation and pressure to maintain my result and get out of the college. 

But now, I admit that I'm hitting the rock bottom and take everything for granted. I know that I always talk about this quite frequently lately. I'm already halfway on my 3rd year of doing this yet at some points, I lost my motivation and purpose. This is what I've always wanted and now I'm still questioning it. I've always wanted to teach English but considering my efforts (which are lacking, fyi) right now, I'm not sure if I am capable of doing it in the future. Worst of all, I'm currently dealing with anxiety. I have no one to turn to, nor that I want to rely on anyone (because I find talking about my problems to anyone would make things worse). Hence I find peace by seeking guidance from God, exercising as my form of anti-depressant and spending a lot of time to reflect.

And I want to start a new habit that does not include sleeping in. I've tried it for the past two days and I've never felt so good and refreshed. Wake up, pray, sip coffee, go for morning run and have breakfast. Then I take a quick nap right before Zohor prayer. InsyaAllah I'll try my best to maintain this habit. It won't be easy and I might fall prey into my bad habit but I promise to keep trying. Changing my bad habit might just be a life-changing experience, won't it?

Inner Demons

Sometime I hear voices telling me that I shouldn't be doing that because that's not me even though 'that' refers to positive thing. Sometime I give in to that voices. Sometime I disobey them. When I get mad at someone/something, I can feel my blood is boiling and my face is flushing with pent-up anger. My intention often being misinterpreted because I speak in high pitch (so they all thought that I'm angry ALL THE TIME). Sometime those voices make me question others sincerity. Sometime they turn me into a judgmental bitch. Sometime they lure me to speak carelessly. 

The thing is, who am I to blame 'them' when 'they' are a part of me? They are my inner demons. I would runaway from them and surrender when I'm weak. I would face and fight them when my faith is restored. God, I'm just a human. 

It's an endless battle, I know. 

Comfort Zone

True dat.

I think that I can relate to this (refer to the picture above), a lot. In fact, I've seen a lot of my friends do amazing things once they're willing to break out of their comfort zones. It's not easy, but it's worth it. If we're staying in our comfort zones, we'll become stagnant in a way, right? Even Cassey Ho (my favourite pilates instructor) said, "Make yourself feel uncomfortable, every day," (something like that haha). 

In my past experience, I've tried a lot of new things, challenging myself, and that's when I discovered my passion. If I didn't try, I wouldn't discover it. You know what they say, don't wait for opportunity, create it. Whenever I feel the urge to do something so bad, I'll visualize the whole thing in my head and find the opportunity to get what I want. Trust me, it works. I have this strong feeling, deep inside, there's this voice telling me that I'm going to seize it and the only way to make it becomes reality is by acting upon it.

I don't know what's going on with me lately, is it because of the intoxicating latte I sipped, oral presentation that I think I aced it (insyaAllah), being able to do the opening of a dance performance or ... the fact that for the first time I answered this extrovert vs introvert quiz in class just now, I scored - EXTROVERT. That quiz's result is invalid, for sure. It's Buzzfeed, y'all. I'm certain that 70% of me is leaning towards INTROVERT lol. But the quiz's result somehow changes my perception. I could try to leave my comfort zones. I should try overcoming my fears. I don't have social anxiety, I'm just socially awkward. I think too much about what I say and how it affects me or them. I rely on my extroverted company (note: I call them extrovert because they're the opposite of the word 'awkward') too much. I let them feel superior over me by letting them do all the talking/meeting other people and I hide behind their back just because I can. It's easier to let the thoughts flew by rather than expressing them in words. I'm stuck in my own comfort zone for years. 

Until one day, one of my extroverted companies made fun of me being socially awkward. Of course it hurts like hell. I shed some tears in the bathroom and went out like I didn't feel affected by those words. I'm too comfortable being quiet so much that I've let my guard down in front of them. The truth is, I hate being awkward. But I can't help it. 

These days, I have no idea what's gotten into me, but somehow everyday, there would always be strangers smiling at me and guess what? It's infectious. I could wear a smile and talk to the barista without looking at my feet (the atmosphere was less awkward). Baby steps. I don't want to hide behind the privilege of being an introvert just to avoid social interactions where ......... amazing things might just happen.